September 7, 2012
Topic suggested by Laura Christie
I love the rain. I love walking in the rain, swimming in the rain, dancing in the rain. Everything except driving in the rain. Driving in the rain I don't like. At all. Yuck.
The best part about the rain is how, in one moment, it can wash away so much negativity. Cars get cleaned, lawns get mowed, houses and streets look brighter.
In wintertime, my favorite moments are listening to the rain in front of the fireplace.
But summer...summer is a whole different kind of rain. It's the go outside and stand amidst the droplets of water. It's feeling yourself in the moment. You're outside actually feeling your environment.
I love summer rain. I hope to share in its company again soon.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Dead Ants, Whipped Cream, and Batman
September 6, 2012
Topic suggested by Chris LaVrar :-) ~ Romance
I don't even know what the heck romance is. Well, maybe I do. The funny thing about romance is it's an entirely personal matter. And there's two sides to the romantic equation. And what's being offered isn't always what's being received.
Let me expand a bit. If I gave someone a dozen roses...I would consider that a romantic gesture. If that person was allergic to roses or just didn't like flowers...my romantic gesture would not be appreciated. In the case of an allergy, I would end up causes the recipient to feel bad.
Romantic intentions. Causing someone else's soul to feel cared for...loved. When what is given is what is received (or even better...when what is received is felt more than what is given)...those are the moments we remember forever.
Since the topic is romance, I get to retreat to a place where I am remembering those moments that made me feel like I was on top of the world. And since this is my post, I want to share some of the moments that have stood out over time. The most romantic gestures for me.
~ As everyone knows, I love music. Love. A few times in my life, I've had a few songs written for / inspired by me. Having someone sing me a song they wrote for me...well that just melts my heart.
~One of my best memories is coming home and having rose petals spread out throughout the house. In a certain section...they spelled I LOVE YOU. It was awesome...except for the million ants that came into the house atop the rose petals. There was a mad dash to remove all the flowers and annihilate the unwelcome ants. Now, this could have been a case of an unappreciated gesture...but we laughed so hard that it became one of the best moments ever. It was the laughter...the contentment of sweeping away the ants...it was the unexpected gesture that made for great romance.
~Sitting atop a brick wall, sounds of seals in the background...and having a new love entrust me with his late fathers ring. It wasn't the ring that was what made my heart skip a beat, but the fact that he trusted me.
~Favorite all time first date gesture...I was brought a bottle of diet coke (since I wasn't a big drinker) and a can of whipped cream (just in case). I don't know why, but that one always sticks out in my head. And no, that whipped cream was not used...but it was nonetheless greatly appreciated.
~Unexpected sweet gestures. Getting a cup of coffee brought to you when you're working late (and the best is when they know how you take your coffee). Waking up on a cold day and finding that your love went to the garage to start the car for you and get the heater working before you left for work.
~My most recent favorite moment...when I was repaving my driveway and...while it was still wet...being brought a Batman symbol mold so I could imprint the wet cement with my beloved Batman.
So romance is what you make of it. Everyone sees things differently. What's romantic is finding that one thing that makes another person feel special.
Thank you Chris for the topic. By the way...for any readers out there...Chris LaVrar is an amazing freestyle rapper. He was featured this season on America's Got Talent. If you get a chance, check him out.
Topic suggested by Chris LaVrar :-) ~ Romance
I don't even know what the heck romance is. Well, maybe I do. The funny thing about romance is it's an entirely personal matter. And there's two sides to the romantic equation. And what's being offered isn't always what's being received.
Let me expand a bit. If I gave someone a dozen roses...I would consider that a romantic gesture. If that person was allergic to roses or just didn't like flowers...my romantic gesture would not be appreciated. In the case of an allergy, I would end up causes the recipient to feel bad.
Romantic intentions. Causing someone else's soul to feel cared for...loved. When what is given is what is received (or even better...when what is received is felt more than what is given)...those are the moments we remember forever.
Since the topic is romance, I get to retreat to a place where I am remembering those moments that made me feel like I was on top of the world. And since this is my post, I want to share some of the moments that have stood out over time. The most romantic gestures for me.
~ As everyone knows, I love music. Love. A few times in my life, I've had a few songs written for / inspired by me. Having someone sing me a song they wrote for me...well that just melts my heart.
~One of my best memories is coming home and having rose petals spread out throughout the house. In a certain section...they spelled I LOVE YOU. It was awesome...except for the million ants that came into the house atop the rose petals. There was a mad dash to remove all the flowers and annihilate the unwelcome ants. Now, this could have been a case of an unappreciated gesture...but we laughed so hard that it became one of the best moments ever. It was the laughter...the contentment of sweeping away the ants...it was the unexpected gesture that made for great romance.
~Sitting atop a brick wall, sounds of seals in the background...and having a new love entrust me with his late fathers ring. It wasn't the ring that was what made my heart skip a beat, but the fact that he trusted me.
~Favorite all time first date gesture...I was brought a bottle of diet coke (since I wasn't a big drinker) and a can of whipped cream (just in case). I don't know why, but that one always sticks out in my head. And no, that whipped cream was not used...but it was nonetheless greatly appreciated.
~Unexpected sweet gestures. Getting a cup of coffee brought to you when you're working late (and the best is when they know how you take your coffee). Waking up on a cold day and finding that your love went to the garage to start the car for you and get the heater working before you left for work.
~My most recent favorite moment...when I was repaving my driveway and...while it was still wet...being brought a Batman symbol mold so I could imprint the wet cement with my beloved Batman.
So romance is what you make of it. Everyone sees things differently. What's romantic is finding that one thing that makes another person feel special.
Thank you Chris for the topic. By the way...for any readers out there...Chris LaVrar is an amazing freestyle rapper. He was featured this season on America's Got Talent. If you get a chance, check him out.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
An Alternate Universe
September 5, 2012
Topic suggested by: Jay Jadofsky...the positive effects of being a popular, well known KISS fan
OK...this is a funny topic. At least to me. But in thinking about it for a few hours, I keep recalling countless instances where being associated to KISS has enriched my life. I could probably write a book on the subject...not just a post. But I'll start with a post.
When Carol and I first went to a KISS concert together, my life forever changed. Our first show, we wore costumes (or what I perceived to be costumes). They were on a very amateur level. I hadn't caught the KISS bug yet (although I always enjoyed the music). I did say yet, right.
OK. How great is a KISS show? I mean, it's a production. There's blood. There's levitation. There's smoke. There's fire. And confetti. Lots and lots of confetti. From that day forward, I was obsessed.
Before our 3rd show together, Carol and I decided to take the costume thing to the next level. Costumes, signs, props. We had it all for our 3rd show. And that's where other people started to take notice of what we were doing.
Our 3rd and 4th shows were on a holiday weekend. We flew up to Northern California to see KISS. On the way to the airport...we came up with a name for ourselves...The KISS Army Vixens and created a MySpace page. In less than 48 hours we had over 1000 friends. I guess we got popular pretty quick.
Since we started this...my sewing skills and creativity has grown exponentially. I started viewing myself as not what I did for a living, but what I did for fun. I got over being shy (for the most part) and was able to talk to people. All people. I started writing. I started fantasizing. I had the courage to make some fantasies reality.
I also believe that the positive effects transcended outside myself. I use the KISS Army Vixen thing to do good. To help with Veterans causes dear to my heart. I've made friends with other KISS fans around the world. There is no doubt that creating the KISS Army Vixens deepened the friendship with me and Carol.
Being known in the KISS community means I have extended my inner circle. I have grown, thanks to all of the people that I have met along this journey. For all of this...I am incredibly grateful and very blessed.
And thank you Jay.
Topic suggested by: Jay Jadofsky...the positive effects of being a popular, well known KISS fan
OK...this is a funny topic. At least to me. But in thinking about it for a few hours, I keep recalling countless instances where being associated to KISS has enriched my life. I could probably write a book on the subject...not just a post. But I'll start with a post.
When Carol and I first went to a KISS concert together, my life forever changed. Our first show, we wore costumes (or what I perceived to be costumes). They were on a very amateur level. I hadn't caught the KISS bug yet (although I always enjoyed the music). I did say yet, right.
OK. How great is a KISS show? I mean, it's a production. There's blood. There's levitation. There's smoke. There's fire. And confetti. Lots and lots of confetti. From that day forward, I was obsessed.
Before our 3rd show together, Carol and I decided to take the costume thing to the next level. Costumes, signs, props. We had it all for our 3rd show. And that's where other people started to take notice of what we were doing.
Our 3rd and 4th shows were on a holiday weekend. We flew up to Northern California to see KISS. On the way to the airport...we came up with a name for ourselves...The KISS Army Vixens and created a MySpace page. In less than 48 hours we had over 1000 friends. I guess we got popular pretty quick.
Since we started this...my sewing skills and creativity has grown exponentially. I started viewing myself as not what I did for a living, but what I did for fun. I got over being shy (for the most part) and was able to talk to people. All people. I started writing. I started fantasizing. I had the courage to make some fantasies reality.
I also believe that the positive effects transcended outside myself. I use the KISS Army Vixen thing to do good. To help with Veterans causes dear to my heart. I've made friends with other KISS fans around the world. There is no doubt that creating the KISS Army Vixens deepened the friendship with me and Carol.
Being known in the KISS community means I have extended my inner circle. I have grown, thanks to all of the people that I have met along this journey. For all of this...I am incredibly grateful and very blessed.
And thank you Jay.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Grow Up. Grow Old.
September 4, 2012
Watches. Calendars. Wrinkles. Gray Hair.
These are all indications of time that has passed. Since I never married or had children I somehow managed to stay childlike. I didn't always see the seasons change. I didn't have a child growing up before my eyes. For me, it was different. The same time passed for me as for everyone else...but most of the time I feel like I haven't grown up at all.
I fight change. And embrace it. The older I get, the more I feel like going home. Metaphorically. Creating that inner circle of people I am blessed to share my time with. Having that special place to go.
I'm packing up the studio. This time it's for real. The Marina was home. I came here for college and never really left.
My final week.
I'm taking my safe place away. I'm removing the net and awaiting the fall.
Part of growing older is letting go of childish things. Of doing what's right even when I don't like it. Especially when I don't like it. Maybe these types of changes build character. I guess I'll firgure it out over time.
My word for today...yuck.
Watches. Calendars. Wrinkles. Gray Hair.
These are all indications of time that has passed. Since I never married or had children I somehow managed to stay childlike. I didn't always see the seasons change. I didn't have a child growing up before my eyes. For me, it was different. The same time passed for me as for everyone else...but most of the time I feel like I haven't grown up at all.
I fight change. And embrace it. The older I get, the more I feel like going home. Metaphorically. Creating that inner circle of people I am blessed to share my time with. Having that special place to go.
I'm packing up the studio. This time it's for real. The Marina was home. I came here for college and never really left.
My final week.
I'm taking my safe place away. I'm removing the net and awaiting the fall.
Part of growing older is letting go of childish things. Of doing what's right even when I don't like it. Especially when I don't like it. Maybe these types of changes build character. I guess I'll firgure it out over time.
My word for today...yuck.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Laborious Sentinments
September 3, 2012
Labor Day.
I've always looked forward to Labor Day. A three day weekend from work. An extra day to spend with friends and family. A day to go on hikes, or to the beach. A day for me.
Now that I no longer have a "traditional" job, this day means something different. Today I reflected on what labor means.
I have a habit of labeling others based on what they do. A person is an artist, a musician, an accountant, a doctor. In some instances, labeling a person by their occupation is an accurate representation of their inner picture. But for others, their jobs are merely affording them the ability to be who they really are when the work day is over.
For a big part of my life, I was living somewhere in the "in between". I was an accountant...but part of the reason I had my career was to afford me other opportunities in life.
Now I look inward and try to attach a label to my current labor. What do I do? Is it of value? How do I judge whether or not my efforts are valuable? On Labor Day, what activity should I stop doing if I'm truly taking the day off?
Labor Day 2012. I couldn't figure it out. I don't have a clue what my job is. I'm doing so many different things. I spent today reading, learning, socializing, writing, and taking care of my day to day responsibilities.
By next year...I want to have a clearer concept of what constitutes "labor" to me. I want to know what my label is. This ambiguity is stressing me out. And next Labor Day...I want to know what not to do.
Happy Labor Day. Hope I was alone in the perplexing nature of all that was today.
Labor Day.
I've always looked forward to Labor Day. A three day weekend from work. An extra day to spend with friends and family. A day to go on hikes, or to the beach. A day for me.
Now that I no longer have a "traditional" job, this day means something different. Today I reflected on what labor means.
I have a habit of labeling others based on what they do. A person is an artist, a musician, an accountant, a doctor. In some instances, labeling a person by their occupation is an accurate representation of their inner picture. But for others, their jobs are merely affording them the ability to be who they really are when the work day is over.
For a big part of my life, I was living somewhere in the "in between". I was an accountant...but part of the reason I had my career was to afford me other opportunities in life.
Now I look inward and try to attach a label to my current labor. What do I do? Is it of value? How do I judge whether or not my efforts are valuable? On Labor Day, what activity should I stop doing if I'm truly taking the day off?
Labor Day 2012. I couldn't figure it out. I don't have a clue what my job is. I'm doing so many different things. I spent today reading, learning, socializing, writing, and taking care of my day to day responsibilities.
By next year...I want to have a clearer concept of what constitutes "labor" to me. I want to know what my label is. This ambiguity is stressing me out. And next Labor Day...I want to know what not to do.
Happy Labor Day. Hope I was alone in the perplexing nature of all that was today.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Am I Really Starting Over?
September 1, 2012
Starting over. Is it really possible? Aren't I taking all the same old baggage with me on whatever new path I embark on? Is it possible to leave the bags in a storage locker and free myself from the weight of the past?
I'll always be an accountant. It's just how I see things. I look at the value of an item. I always have. I can't make the shift and see a "cherry yogurt" as just a plain old "cherry yogurt". For me...it always is a cherry yogurt I got on sale for $1.
I'll always carry the lessons from previous relationships and friendships. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
My parents voices will forever ring in my head. What I'm doing right. What I'm doing wrong.
I will always remember people's criticisms of what I do. I remember the criticisms far more often than any praise.
I'll always be afraid of failure.
And yet, I am embarking on a journey where I can't be an accountant anymore. I have to forget about all the lessons I've learned in the past as it's not fair to put a broad brush stroke on present and future endeavors. My parents fears for my life can no longer influence me. And most importantly...I need to brush off criticisms and not be afraid to fail on this new path.
How does anyone ever start over?
Starting over. Is it really possible? Aren't I taking all the same old baggage with me on whatever new path I embark on? Is it possible to leave the bags in a storage locker and free myself from the weight of the past?
I'll always be an accountant. It's just how I see things. I look at the value of an item. I always have. I can't make the shift and see a "cherry yogurt" as just a plain old "cherry yogurt". For me...it always is a cherry yogurt I got on sale for $1.
I'll always carry the lessons from previous relationships and friendships. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
My parents voices will forever ring in my head. What I'm doing right. What I'm doing wrong.
I will always remember people's criticisms of what I do. I remember the criticisms far more often than any praise.
I'll always be afraid of failure.
And yet, I am embarking on a journey where I can't be an accountant anymore. I have to forget about all the lessons I've learned in the past as it's not fair to put a broad brush stroke on present and future endeavors. My parents fears for my life can no longer influence me. And most importantly...I need to brush off criticisms and not be afraid to fail on this new path.
How does anyone ever start over?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
An Ill Conceived Thank You To A Past Relationship
August 30, 2012
I was going through a "tapping creativity" exercise and got to a section that talked about writing "fan letters" to those individuals who have influenced your life. One person changed my life in many ways...without who I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is my feeble attempt at saying thank you.
Our first interaction was uneventful. Let's be honest, you were too enthusiastic for me. I had no interest in meeting you...or communicating with you in any way.
Seven months later...on a whim...I met you for lunch. No fireworks, no passion, but just a nice conversation between two new friends. You bought me a book..."The Alchemist"...and I left for a 3 week adventure to Hawaii. It was then when I was alone in Hawaii...thousands of miles away...that you influenced me, changed me, grew me, and became entirely necessary in my world.
How can I ever thank you for opening up my mind. I never thought about my spirituality...about what I believed. Even though, in the end, we chose different spiritual paths I have to thank you for opening my mind to there actually being a path. I'm kinder, more compassionate, and more aware than I have ever been thanks to your influence.
My creativity blossomed under your tutelage. I learned how to notice the small things. I see colors differently. Fabrics too. I'm certain KISS Army Vixens would not have existed...or would most definitely have manifested differently. Heck, I wouldn't have even attempted to do all that I have done if it weren't for the time we spent together.
There was love and passion, kindness and gentleness. And there were dreams. Dreams of travel, of making a difference, of leaving a legacy. I still carry those dreams with me today and hope that I am...in fact...still wandering on a path that leads in that same direction.
Our fights, the disagreements, the tears...the pain...those horrible moments taught me the most invaluable lessons of all...it brought forth my shortcomings. I know I am less angry and far more at peace today because of all of the difficult times we endured.
You changed my life, you changed my world. You changed my geography. I might never have left my little corner of the world if it wasn't for you. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to thrive under new circumstances.
And mostly, thank you for leaving. Thank you for not staying when you wanted to leave. It was time to say goodbye. Thank you for closing the book and giving me an opportunity to write a new one.
I will forever be your fan. May your best days be ahead of you and may your new path sparkle in the moonlight. Wherever you travel and whatever you see...please take any positivity we shared with you on your journey.
I was going through a "tapping creativity" exercise and got to a section that talked about writing "fan letters" to those individuals who have influenced your life. One person changed my life in many ways...without who I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is my feeble attempt at saying thank you.
Our first interaction was uneventful. Let's be honest, you were too enthusiastic for me. I had no interest in meeting you...or communicating with you in any way.
Seven months later...on a whim...I met you for lunch. No fireworks, no passion, but just a nice conversation between two new friends. You bought me a book..."The Alchemist"...and I left for a 3 week adventure to Hawaii. It was then when I was alone in Hawaii...thousands of miles away...that you influenced me, changed me, grew me, and became entirely necessary in my world.
How can I ever thank you for opening up my mind. I never thought about my spirituality...about what I believed. Even though, in the end, we chose different spiritual paths I have to thank you for opening my mind to there actually being a path. I'm kinder, more compassionate, and more aware than I have ever been thanks to your influence.
My creativity blossomed under your tutelage. I learned how to notice the small things. I see colors differently. Fabrics too. I'm certain KISS Army Vixens would not have existed...or would most definitely have manifested differently. Heck, I wouldn't have even attempted to do all that I have done if it weren't for the time we spent together.
There was love and passion, kindness and gentleness. And there were dreams. Dreams of travel, of making a difference, of leaving a legacy. I still carry those dreams with me today and hope that I am...in fact...still wandering on a path that leads in that same direction.
Our fights, the disagreements, the tears...the pain...those horrible moments taught me the most invaluable lessons of all...it brought forth my shortcomings. I know I am less angry and far more at peace today because of all of the difficult times we endured.
You changed my life, you changed my world. You changed my geography. I might never have left my little corner of the world if it wasn't for you. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to thrive under new circumstances.
And mostly, thank you for leaving. Thank you for not staying when you wanted to leave. It was time to say goodbye. Thank you for closing the book and giving me an opportunity to write a new one.
I will forever be your fan. May your best days be ahead of you and may your new path sparkle in the moonlight. Wherever you travel and whatever you see...please take any positivity we shared with you on your journey.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
I'm Not Enough
August 28, 2012
I don't want to write this post, but it needs to be written.
Bullshit. Appearances. Acting as if. The mask. What a fucking joke.
Every day, I'm not enough. Not compared to others. Everyone seems to be more talented, less stressed, more compassionate, healthier, prettier, and more at ease. It seems everyone else is better at making choices. Better at accepting reality. And certainly, no-one else sits there and analyzes all this "life" stuff as much as I do.
Knowing this is hard. As much as I love myself...there are times I downright hate myself. I make bad choices every day. And the truth is I must want to continue to make bad choices because I don't want to stop. At least, I don't want to stop enough to actually stop.
If I want to have a healthier body, I would eat better and exercise more. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be a writer, I would spend more time on my craft. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be more compassionate, I would spend more time assisting others. I'm not doing that.
If I wanted a less cluttered house, I would spend more time sorting through things and eliminating the things I don't need. Nope, I haven't done that either.
So, in the end what do I want? Is what I really want to be a lonely philosopher who spends her time just thinking about both consequential and inconsequential things til my death? What kind of a life am I proposing for myself?
I really hope that's not what I want. That can't possibly be my purpose.
I know, accepting myself is the key to a happy life. Accepting my flaws, my humanity. But really, it only pisses me off. I'm pissed because if I know how to do things different, why don't I? Where do my choices come from? Laziness? Conformity?
I'm 41. By the time I'm 45, I want to at least have different problems. Not these same ones. I'm getting bored of the same problems. I want to hate myself for new reasons...not those same tired reasons I've carried around for so long.
The mask I'm wearing is starting to itch. I need to scratch my ear, rub my eye, but I'm afraid in doing so the world will get a glimpse of what lies underneath the mask. I can't let you see me, so I'll stay uncomfortable hidden inside this facade.
I'm not enough. No part of me is. Can I be OK with that?
I don't want to write this post, but it needs to be written.
Bullshit. Appearances. Acting as if. The mask. What a fucking joke.
Every day, I'm not enough. Not compared to others. Everyone seems to be more talented, less stressed, more compassionate, healthier, prettier, and more at ease. It seems everyone else is better at making choices. Better at accepting reality. And certainly, no-one else sits there and analyzes all this "life" stuff as much as I do.
Knowing this is hard. As much as I love myself...there are times I downright hate myself. I make bad choices every day. And the truth is I must want to continue to make bad choices because I don't want to stop. At least, I don't want to stop enough to actually stop.
If I want to have a healthier body, I would eat better and exercise more. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be a writer, I would spend more time on my craft. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be more compassionate, I would spend more time assisting others. I'm not doing that.
If I wanted a less cluttered house, I would spend more time sorting through things and eliminating the things I don't need. Nope, I haven't done that either.
So, in the end what do I want? Is what I really want to be a lonely philosopher who spends her time just thinking about both consequential and inconsequential things til my death? What kind of a life am I proposing for myself?
I really hope that's not what I want. That can't possibly be my purpose.
I know, accepting myself is the key to a happy life. Accepting my flaws, my humanity. But really, it only pisses me off. I'm pissed because if I know how to do things different, why don't I? Where do my choices come from? Laziness? Conformity?
I'm 41. By the time I'm 45, I want to at least have different problems. Not these same ones. I'm getting bored of the same problems. I want to hate myself for new reasons...not those same tired reasons I've carried around for so long.
The mask I'm wearing is starting to itch. I need to scratch my ear, rub my eye, but I'm afraid in doing so the world will get a glimpse of what lies underneath the mask. I can't let you see me, so I'll stay uncomfortable hidden inside this facade.
I'm not enough. No part of me is. Can I be OK with that?
Friday, August 24, 2012
I've Got Got Something to Lose
August 24, 2012
Sorry KISS. I've got nothing to lose? You're wrong on this one. In life, there is always something to lose. Something you put at risk. Whether it's a value, a virtue, an emotion...any time you are invested in something...you have something to lose.
I keep going back to advice or teaching. If you always give away your advice, or teach your lessons...the recipients tend to not value what you have given them. People tend to put higher value on things, ideas, and people they are actually vested into...
I try do be a good citizen, a compassionate friend and family member.
It's time to look at things a little different. When being a part of society and I want to engage in something or someone, maybe I need to start evaluating what the counterpart is risking as well.
We never fully do something for no reason. We help our friends because we hope it feeds the relationship and that, to some degree, our friends appreciate the help. But how many times have I helped others...only to be hurt when the effort isn't appreciated.
I need to keep thinking about this. Blogging about it. There's something to this way of thinking that will bring about a deeper sense of happiness and joy. Only invest in things where others are equally vested.
I'll write more on this subject. At least until I learn my lessons. And, I for one, will value the process of figuring out what is to lose before taking on something new.
Sorry KISS. I've got nothing to lose? You're wrong on this one. In life, there is always something to lose. Something you put at risk. Whether it's a value, a virtue, an emotion...any time you are invested in something...you have something to lose.
I keep going back to advice or teaching. If you always give away your advice, or teach your lessons...the recipients tend to not value what you have given them. People tend to put higher value on things, ideas, and people they are actually vested into...
I try do be a good citizen, a compassionate friend and family member.
It's time to look at things a little different. When being a part of society and I want to engage in something or someone, maybe I need to start evaluating what the counterpart is risking as well.
We never fully do something for no reason. We help our friends because we hope it feeds the relationship and that, to some degree, our friends appreciate the help. But how many times have I helped others...only to be hurt when the effort isn't appreciated.
I need to keep thinking about this. Blogging about it. There's something to this way of thinking that will bring about a deeper sense of happiness and joy. Only invest in things where others are equally vested.
I'll write more on this subject. At least until I learn my lessons. And, I for one, will value the process of figuring out what is to lose before taking on something new.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Seasons, Reason, and Lifetimes...Closing Doors
August 23, 2012
I don't want to! That's all I keep saying to myself lately. There's a part of me that wants me to do things differently...and I keep fighting that inner voice. I don't want to do things differently. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. I know what things are like now. I don't want to change anything.
After more than 3 years...I'm packing up the studio. It's the right thing to do...but I don't want to do it. I'm hoping this leads to some semblance of personal growth...but I'm probably not going to get that lesson for a long time. So, in the mean time, I'm just going to walk around pissed.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know what things are going to look like if I make this change or that change...but alas...I don't have one. I have guitar picks...but I'm not sure if those picks will open any doors. Oh well.
Of course, when it rains change it pours change.
My closing the studio will make lots of things harder for me. I may not see some friends as often, or at all. I might not be able to attend certain events as they are farther away and I have difficulties driving at night. So, in making one small change...there is this involuntary domino effect.
I've been talking about making this change for a long time.
I wonder what life will be like when all is said and done....after the sadness and anger wears off. Will I be better off? Or will I have regrets?
Seasons, reasons, and lifetimes. Everything has its purpose I guess.
Meh.
I don't want to! That's all I keep saying to myself lately. There's a part of me that wants me to do things differently...and I keep fighting that inner voice. I don't want to do things differently. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. I know what things are like now. I don't want to change anything.
After more than 3 years...I'm packing up the studio. It's the right thing to do...but I don't want to do it. I'm hoping this leads to some semblance of personal growth...but I'm probably not going to get that lesson for a long time. So, in the mean time, I'm just going to walk around pissed.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know what things are going to look like if I make this change or that change...but alas...I don't have one. I have guitar picks...but I'm not sure if those picks will open any doors. Oh well.
Of course, when it rains change it pours change.
My closing the studio will make lots of things harder for me. I may not see some friends as often, or at all. I might not be able to attend certain events as they are farther away and I have difficulties driving at night. So, in making one small change...there is this involuntary domino effect.
I've been talking about making this change for a long time.
I wonder what life will be like when all is said and done....after the sadness and anger wears off. Will I be better off? Or will I have regrets?
Seasons, reasons, and lifetimes. Everything has its purpose I guess.
Meh.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A Lifetime Filled With Coincidence
August 21, 2012
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Hopeful Visions
August 20, 2012
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
I'm lost
August 20, 2012
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
School days are here again...
April 1, 2012
Somewhere in my soul I've always wanted to tell stories...stories that inspire, teach, or touch somebody's heart. So...here I am...at 41 years old going back to school to do just that...learn how to write.
The first half of my life is gone. I had a great time...but it's time to do something new. For the first time I am going after my own dream...and not someone else's. I am following this path because it is what I truly want to do...not because I have to do it. And even the fact that I can attempt this is nothing short of a blessing.
Tomorrow I go back to school. I hope every day to learn at least one new thing...even if it is "where's the best place to park" or "where can I get a good cup of coffee on campus". But I really hope to compose better sentences, tell riveting stories, and make a small difference in someone else's life.
Huell Howser...move over. I want to start telling the stories.
Somewhere in my soul I've always wanted to tell stories...stories that inspire, teach, or touch somebody's heart. So...here I am...at 41 years old going back to school to do just that...learn how to write.
The first half of my life is gone. I had a great time...but it's time to do something new. For the first time I am going after my own dream...and not someone else's. I am following this path because it is what I truly want to do...not because I have to do it. And even the fact that I can attempt this is nothing short of a blessing.
Tomorrow I go back to school. I hope every day to learn at least one new thing...even if it is "where's the best place to park" or "where can I get a good cup of coffee on campus". But I really hope to compose better sentences, tell riveting stories, and make a small difference in someone else's life.
Huell Howser...move over. I want to start telling the stories.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Forgiving Myself
March 31, 2012
It's been a little over a month since I've taken the time to write anything. A very long month.
Since I last blogged I met my birth mother for the first time, her brother (my uncle) and his family (my first cousins). I met some good friends in Miami where I was able to celebrate a birthday and see another put on a light hearted and life altering presentation on the dangers of drinking. I saw KISS perform at the Jimmy Kimmel show. I saw Jerry Seinfeld LIVE. I've had a chance to finally do some remodeling at the house. I've had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents and friends. AND I've been able to prepare for my first quarter back at UCLA where I will attempt to gain the knowledge I need to take my life in a different direction.
BUT I've also had to say goodbye to three friends that were instrumental in my world. My amazing house guests (and close friends) left after 3 months of sharing our daily lives together. Sunshine is on a hunger strike as she misses her doggie friends. These things are very difficult. In fact, they are so difficult I consistently forget all about the good things I wrote about in the aforementioned paragraph. I got caught up in the sadness of what I lost...and forgot about all I have.
I stopped working out. I really had very little energy to. I didn't want to blog. I didn't eat well. I haven't been a good friend to anyone, including myself. In fact...I felt like distancing myself a bit from the people I care about because it hurts so much when they're gone. The worst part is...within my internal thought process...I kept being cruel to myself and punishing myself for not doing what I was "suppose" to do. So every day I felt guilty.
Things will happen. I will become distracted. It's time to forgive myself and move on.
Goodbye March 2012. Welcome April. I hope to appreciate you.
It's been a little over a month since I've taken the time to write anything. A very long month.
Since I last blogged I met my birth mother for the first time, her brother (my uncle) and his family (my first cousins). I met some good friends in Miami where I was able to celebrate a birthday and see another put on a light hearted and life altering presentation on the dangers of drinking. I saw KISS perform at the Jimmy Kimmel show. I saw Jerry Seinfeld LIVE. I've had a chance to finally do some remodeling at the house. I've had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents and friends. AND I've been able to prepare for my first quarter back at UCLA where I will attempt to gain the knowledge I need to take my life in a different direction.
BUT I've also had to say goodbye to three friends that were instrumental in my world. My amazing house guests (and close friends) left after 3 months of sharing our daily lives together. Sunshine is on a hunger strike as she misses her doggie friends. These things are very difficult. In fact, they are so difficult I consistently forget all about the good things I wrote about in the aforementioned paragraph. I got caught up in the sadness of what I lost...and forgot about all I have.
I stopped working out. I really had very little energy to. I didn't want to blog. I didn't eat well. I haven't been a good friend to anyone, including myself. In fact...I felt like distancing myself a bit from the people I care about because it hurts so much when they're gone. The worst part is...within my internal thought process...I kept being cruel to myself and punishing myself for not doing what I was "suppose" to do. So every day I felt guilty.
Things will happen. I will become distracted. It's time to forgive myself and move on.
Goodbye March 2012. Welcome April. I hope to appreciate you.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
This could ONLY happen to me....
February 24, 2012
Reflections of my time away so far…
I said something to my cousin in passing that got me thinking. You see, my 81 year old aunt thought it would be a great idea to introduce me to a guy in Spain she thought would be perfect for me (if perfect for me is unemployed, lives with his mother, and has way more than an adequate numbers of loose screws). She planned this somewhat elaborate hoax to get me to meet him.
On the second to the last night I was to spend with my family…my aunt invited me over to her house, with the excuse she didn’t feel well enough to come over to my cousins. Immediately I rushed out of my cousin’s house and entered my aunts (they live next door to one another) and…wouldn’t you know…there was a man in the parlor wearing his best suit awaiting my arrival.
For the next 45 minutes I got to hear this man talk about his ex-wife, about how he always wanted a daughter, how he was a hard worker but the failing economy rendered him unemployable. He works with technology and is very good at what he does, he says. At which point he takes out his new smart phone and proudly shows it to me. He needs help with this “thing” called Facebook and thought maybe I could help him set it up…but of course, he doesn’t even have an email address (remember…he’s been telling me how great he is with technology). Well…he decided that he would have a friend at the local bar help him set everything up. He then asked if I would chat with him on Facebook…and, if I choose, promise to be faithful to him and over the next few months we could chat on Facebook for a while and then in a couple of months I could go back to Spain, marry him, and take him with me to the U.S.
I don’t even want to start with the whole ludicrousness of the situation. I think it speaks for itself. This man never saw me before that night, and needed someone to support him and I seemed like a good option. All he had to do is marry the old spinster and make her honorable. For my aunt’s sake, I tried to be pleasant on the outside. On the inside, I was thinking…if my aunt knew me in the tiniest bit…she should know that this not the “perfect” match for me. In her mind, it is better for me to be with anyone than to be alone. It’s as if I’m flawed in some way. I was slightly perturbed, although I couldn’t get mad at my aunt or disrespect her.
My cousin was pretty pissed too. Probably more than me. But it started up a conversation that was actually pretty interesting for me.
You see, I might not have that “special relationship” with one person…but I have many “special relationships” with people around the world. I have family in different countries that, for the most part, we all get along great. Especially the cousins, their significant others, and their families. My relationships with my friends are also very strong. I love spending time with them and sharing my life with them. I love to travel, am a little eccentric, don’t like to conform, have a responsible and a little freaky side. I do what I want, when I want.
In one moment, I looked at my cousin and said…if I had a family I’d probably never see them again. Trying to get time off to see my family with work and school schedules would be too difficult a task. Leaving my family for months on end to “figure out what I want out of life” wouldn’t be a possibility either. Forget the vixen stuff, forget skating, forget losing myself in a walk by the beach. I’m too weird. And a relationship that strips me of who I am is not a relationship I choose to have.
Growing old alone…I really don’t think it’s going to happen BUT in case it does…I’m ok with it. I’m going to live the fullest life I can, learn all I can, and take care of me. And when the day comes I can’t take care of myself…I hope I have a nice room with a pretty window at a nice private assisted living facility. Adorning my walls will be pictures of all the places I’ve gone, people I’ve met, you know…my life. I’ll have little index cards with explanations of each picture in case I have forgotten. AND if it is a life well lived, hopefully I’ll have a friend or two visiting me or staying in the next suite. Even in the retirement village, I could see Carol and I giggling as we talk KISS or clothes…and I have no doubt we’d be a couple of trendy old ladies.
And while the above concept would make my aunt really mad at me…it’s my life.
The things I get involved in…sheeeesh!!! It’s enough to make me want to write a book J
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
But I don't want to say goodbye....
February 22, 2012
I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. And yet, it’s time to go.
How did the time go so quickly? It seems like yesterday I was apprehensive about seeing my family…and now…I absolutely can’t imagine leaving them. I’m not ready to say goodbye.
And this begins the story of my life. A constant shift of beginnings and ends…of see you again real soon…and knowing that soon really isn’t all that soon. That life goes on without me. And that what I really get is a glimpse into my family…and not a true submersion.
And yet, in the few days I was here I was able to share time with people that I do truly love and care about. I was able to share stories about times gone by, make a few new memories, and hopefully create a tiny shred of a foundation to build a relationship upon.
The hard part is when “real life” happens. When I’m back home, immersed in the routine of daily living…how is it even possible to maintain a relationship thousands of miles away? And this has been and will always be my struggle. My only hope is that this tiny shred of a foundation will withhold a relationship in the future.
I’ve wanted to make some life changes. Well…I guess that’s what this year is about for me. How I make a living and finding out what grounds me is of utmost importance. KISS is a great foundation…but I may have to find something else to ground me. Maybe KISS can be one of the branches…but somehow it can’t be the root.
I guess if this year is going to be fruitful….I better figure out where to plant my root. And, for me, fruitful means being able to share time with the people I care about, wherever they may be. So if I’m to have these branches extend so far…I better have a pretty solid entrenched root or I’m bound to blow away.
So in the next few hours…I have to say goodbye to my family and board a train back to Madrid. Onto the next life adventure…the next experience. I just really don’t want to go. Not yet. Definitely not yet.
My friends know I get sentimental and emotional about people that have touched my life. It is something I try to control…but really I can’t. I can’t control the gratefulness I feel for my cousins kids who switched bedrooms and made so much space for me. Or for my cousins entire family of four to share one bathroom so that they could offer me my very own bathroom. Or how they shared their time, friends, stories…well, everything…with me. And when I think about how much they wanted me to be happy, well how can I be anything less that grateful to my whole family? How do I not get emotional over these things? It’s not possible.
To care about someone or something so much that you cry when you have to say goodbye…that’s a good thing (at least for me).
Hesitantly onto the next adventure….
Monday, February 20, 2012
Reflections of my time in El Algar
February 20, 2012
I spend little time in my life wanting. I don't know if this is good or bad...it's just if I want something I usually put a plan in action and start "doing" rather than spend time sitting around "wanting".
And while I think this is a good quality...I miss the wanting. The anticipation. Sometimes I'm so quick to act...that I forget about the process...and I ESPECIALLY forget to just enjoy the moment that I get what I want. By the time I'm "doing"...I'm planning the next thing.
This trip has been great. Spending time with my aunt and cousin...and his incredible family...has been fabulous. I've slept in, played "Call of Duty" and "Sims", taken long walks and hikes, and have fallen in love with my family. I've yet to convince them KISS is the hottest band in the world...but we've found other common interests to bond us.
Some things I want to take with me.
Now that I have sufficiently messed up my internal clock...I'm ready to enjoy sleeping in again. This days of waking up at 6am on the weekends are over. I want to be able to enjoy a leisurely Saturday or Sunday in bed and not worry about what needs to be done. Whatever needs to be done will be done later.
I want to eat in more. I've really been enjoying all the homemade meals. Whether simple or elaborate, preparing your own meals and enjoying them in your home...well, I need to do this far more often. I have a beautiful home with a nice kitchen...I need to use it more. And, probably have more people over to share a meal with.
I really want to spend less time doing...less time driving, less time stressed...and appreciate more of the immediate moments in my life.
What I've also realized is I do want to spend more time with my family...parents, as well as the family I am blessed to have in both Argentina and Spain. I'm going to simplify things a bit more back home to allow more time for travel. I have an amazing family and a good relationship with everyone, I'd really like to share more life moments with them.
And...my friends...my friends back home are very much like my family. I am very grateful to have people that I care about to share my life with. I want to spend more time with my friends.
I spend little time in my life wanting. I don't know if this is good or bad...it's just if I want something I usually put a plan in action and start "doing" rather than spend time sitting around "wanting".
And while I think this is a good quality...I miss the wanting. The anticipation. Sometimes I'm so quick to act...that I forget about the process...and I ESPECIALLY forget to just enjoy the moment that I get what I want. By the time I'm "doing"...I'm planning the next thing.
This trip has been great. Spending time with my aunt and cousin...and his incredible family...has been fabulous. I've slept in, played "Call of Duty" and "Sims", taken long walks and hikes, and have fallen in love with my family. I've yet to convince them KISS is the hottest band in the world...but we've found other common interests to bond us.
Some things I want to take with me.
Now that I have sufficiently messed up my internal clock...I'm ready to enjoy sleeping in again. This days of waking up at 6am on the weekends are over. I want to be able to enjoy a leisurely Saturday or Sunday in bed and not worry about what needs to be done. Whatever needs to be done will be done later.
I want to eat in more. I've really been enjoying all the homemade meals. Whether simple or elaborate, preparing your own meals and enjoying them in your home...well, I need to do this far more often. I have a beautiful home with a nice kitchen...I need to use it more. And, probably have more people over to share a meal with.
I really want to spend less time doing...less time driving, less time stressed...and appreciate more of the immediate moments in my life.
What I've also realized is I do want to spend more time with my family...parents, as well as the family I am blessed to have in both Argentina and Spain. I'm going to simplify things a bit more back home to allow more time for travel. I have an amazing family and a good relationship with everyone, I'd really like to share more life moments with them.
And...my friends...my friends back home are very much like my family. I am very grateful to have people that I care about to share my life with. I want to spend more time with my friends.
In my last 48 hours here I will have some alone time with the kids (which is so much fun), go dancing with my cousin, and share a little bit of me with those that I will be saying goodbye to. As always, I wish I could clone myself and leave a part of me behind...but unfortunately that's not a possibility.
Later this week...it's back in Madrid for a day and a half and then off to Miami...for another adventure.
KISSes
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
What Valentines day means to me...
February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day...a day of flowers, candy, diamonds, great sex, eternal love and devotion...OK...probably not.
Luckily I have somewhat escaped this holiday for the last couple years by either being on a cruise or away from the country. Unfortunately...I can be away from the U.S. but I can't escape the pink valentine's day explosion, heart shaped cakes at the bakery, and the constant sales pitch that...if I truly love someone...I need to spend money to buy stuff to "show" the people I love I care about them. Look, if I don't buy Christmas gifts...you probably don't have much hope I'll buy you a Valentine's gift.
But, if I see something I think you might like on February 18th...I will buy it for you. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because I think you might like it. And THAT to me is so much better than getting anyone a gift because of a predetermined day.
So...I know what I don't like about this day. But there are also things I truly do appreciate...and I want to spend some time focusing on that.
Love. Such a strange emotion. It comes from nowhere, takes a hold of you, makes you act stupid and silly, and at times causes massive pain and sadness...and yet, I believe it's worth the pain. Yes, I'm actually saying this.
It's not just that passionate love between a couple...you know, the one where just the mere thought of the other brings a smile to your heart. But it's the love between a parent and a child, between friends, and even the special love people feel for their animal companions.
The greatest Valentine's gift I was given was to bear witness of a love between a parent and their child.
I am staying in an incredible small town near the Mediterranean. There is very little to do. The cafe's do not have wifi (or nonfat milk), stores are closed during the day, people take naps. It takes me 20 minutes to walk thru the whole town. Life here is very simple.
So on this day, I went with my cousin to pick up her daughter at school. As I arrived I saw hundreds of cars parked. Nobody was sitting in their cars. All the mothers and fathers were standing outside the school prepared to pick up their child. When each child came out, they ran to their parents who greated them with a hug and a kiss...and sometimes a jacket. Then they would run to their car together.
Each child left school and immediately was greeted by a person that loved them. Nobody walked home alone.
I can't tell you how this affected me...but it did. Greatly. To me, this act of unselfish behavior on behalf of the parents (which is practiced EVERY day here) was such a sign of love.
So...on this Valentine's day...I say this. The greatest sign of love is knowing that someone is there to give you a hug, a kiss, and to make sure you're warm. It's so much better than any gift you could buy in a store.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone...
Valentine's Day...a day of flowers, candy, diamonds, great sex, eternal love and devotion...OK...probably not.
Luckily I have somewhat escaped this holiday for the last couple years by either being on a cruise or away from the country. Unfortunately...I can be away from the U.S. but I can't escape the pink valentine's day explosion, heart shaped cakes at the bakery, and the constant sales pitch that...if I truly love someone...I need to spend money to buy stuff to "show" the people I love I care about them. Look, if I don't buy Christmas gifts...you probably don't have much hope I'll buy you a Valentine's gift.
But, if I see something I think you might like on February 18th...I will buy it for you. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because I think you might like it. And THAT to me is so much better than getting anyone a gift because of a predetermined day.
So...I know what I don't like about this day. But there are also things I truly do appreciate...and I want to spend some time focusing on that.
Love. Such a strange emotion. It comes from nowhere, takes a hold of you, makes you act stupid and silly, and at times causes massive pain and sadness...and yet, I believe it's worth the pain. Yes, I'm actually saying this.
It's not just that passionate love between a couple...you know, the one where just the mere thought of the other brings a smile to your heart. But it's the love between a parent and a child, between friends, and even the special love people feel for their animal companions.
The greatest Valentine's gift I was given was to bear witness of a love between a parent and their child.
I am staying in an incredible small town near the Mediterranean. There is very little to do. The cafe's do not have wifi (or nonfat milk), stores are closed during the day, people take naps. It takes me 20 minutes to walk thru the whole town. Life here is very simple.
So on this day, I went with my cousin to pick up her daughter at school. As I arrived I saw hundreds of cars parked. Nobody was sitting in their cars. All the mothers and fathers were standing outside the school prepared to pick up their child. When each child came out, they ran to their parents who greated them with a hug and a kiss...and sometimes a jacket. Then they would run to their car together.
Each child left school and immediately was greeted by a person that loved them. Nobody walked home alone.
I can't tell you how this affected me...but it did. Greatly. To me, this act of unselfish behavior on behalf of the parents (which is practiced EVERY day here) was such a sign of love.
So...on this Valentine's day...I say this. The greatest sign of love is knowing that someone is there to give you a hug, a kiss, and to make sure you're warm. It's so much better than any gift you could buy in a store.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone...
Monday, February 13, 2012
Fear and apprehension in Madrid
February 13, 2012
I have a weird life. My "family" consists of my parents. I have no siblings so it's basically the three of us. And, while they love me and somewhat understand me, I always long for my extended family.
So, here I am, preparing to board a train that will take me to visit my cousin, his family, and my aunt in Spain.
And reality is setting in. We have such different lives. Between language (although I am generally proficient in Spanish...I don't always have the vocabulary to express myself properly) and lifestyle...I'm actually wondering if this was a good idea. Trying to form relationships like this is hard.
The hardest part is sometimes I feel as if I'm the one that's always trying. I do wonder if having a relationship is something we both want...or if it's just me.
I'm sure these feelings will go away when I am reunited with my family...but I have to be honest about how I feel today. Building relationships is scary.
But sometimes the scariest things become the things that, moving forward, I'll be most proud of.
Here goes whatever...
I have a weird life. My "family" consists of my parents. I have no siblings so it's basically the three of us. And, while they love me and somewhat understand me, I always long for my extended family.
So, here I am, preparing to board a train that will take me to visit my cousin, his family, and my aunt in Spain.
And reality is setting in. We have such different lives. Between language (although I am generally proficient in Spanish...I don't always have the vocabulary to express myself properly) and lifestyle...I'm actually wondering if this was a good idea. Trying to form relationships like this is hard.
The hardest part is sometimes I feel as if I'm the one that's always trying. I do wonder if having a relationship is something we both want...or if it's just me.
I'm sure these feelings will go away when I am reunited with my family...but I have to be honest about how I feel today. Building relationships is scary.
But sometimes the scariest things become the things that, moving forward, I'll be most proud of.
Here goes whatever...
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Lessons, more lessons, and tea (Part 3)
February 12, 2012
OK...no more sangria. Have to try to get ready for bed. It's 11:30PM and I would love to get my body onto Madrid time. This will be the night....I hope.
So today started much like yesterday...I got ready and took the metro into town. I found new streets to walk, new buildings to see, more Starbucks to frequent.
Wandering the streets, and getting lost, was really the best part of the day. Lost in the city, lost in my imagination. Falling in love with life a little bit more.
The one thing I experienced today (and yesterday) is how different men are here. They still pursue women. They'll smile, flirt, and even will be forward. Things are so weird in the states. Somewhere along the line, men forgot to "show their feathers" and women forgot to appreciate the men for actually being men. The old art of mating, of flirting...is alive and well in the streets of Madrid. And I must admit, it was really nice to see. It makes me wonder what happened back home...are all the women really that crazy?? Are the men just inundated with sexual images that "real" women hold little appeal?? And will this trend continue?? I wonder. It was just really nice to see a city of men still being men.
In the last few days...in the midst of wandering these great cities...I remembered stories of young women who would say things to me like they would rather die than be 30 and unmarried without kids. Well...good thing I never thought like that. I would have made some choices that might have made other people, as well as me, unhappy. Finding the right person (not any person) is so important. Unless someone had the same sense of adventure...life would have been a series of many compromises that wouldn't have allowed either party to be all that they could have been independently.
There are so many topics for stories that I can find in this great city...
Somehow, after watching lots of people wearing really edgy unique fashions...I found myself back in Corte Ingles and in a moment of temporary insanity...found myself shopping...and shopping...and shopping. 2 long beautiful coats, a hoodie, star scarf, and black mini skirt later...I'm done. Please G*d, I'm done (yes, I found religion again).
So that was it. February 12, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. A beautiful day in a wondrous city. Tomorrow I head to Cartagena (a beach city filled with many architectural ruins) and to see my family.
The thing I've missed is Facebook, texting, and calling my friends. I miss the people back home. I miss my dog. I miss my parents. But...it's a good thing to take a bit of a break from my social media addiction and to actually spend some time doing other things.
So...in this hotel lobby I say goodnight.
Onto the next adventure....
OK...no more sangria. Have to try to get ready for bed. It's 11:30PM and I would love to get my body onto Madrid time. This will be the night....I hope.
So today started much like yesterday...I got ready and took the metro into town. I found new streets to walk, new buildings to see, more Starbucks to frequent.
Wandering the streets, and getting lost, was really the best part of the day. Lost in the city, lost in my imagination. Falling in love with life a little bit more.
The one thing I experienced today (and yesterday) is how different men are here. They still pursue women. They'll smile, flirt, and even will be forward. Things are so weird in the states. Somewhere along the line, men forgot to "show their feathers" and women forgot to appreciate the men for actually being men. The old art of mating, of flirting...is alive and well in the streets of Madrid. And I must admit, it was really nice to see. It makes me wonder what happened back home...are all the women really that crazy?? Are the men just inundated with sexual images that "real" women hold little appeal?? And will this trend continue?? I wonder. It was just really nice to see a city of men still being men.
In the last few days...in the midst of wandering these great cities...I remembered stories of young women who would say things to me like they would rather die than be 30 and unmarried without kids. Well...good thing I never thought like that. I would have made some choices that might have made other people, as well as me, unhappy. Finding the right person (not any person) is so important. Unless someone had the same sense of adventure...life would have been a series of many compromises that wouldn't have allowed either party to be all that they could have been independently.
There are so many topics for stories that I can find in this great city...
Somehow, after watching lots of people wearing really edgy unique fashions...I found myself back in Corte Ingles and in a moment of temporary insanity...found myself shopping...and shopping...and shopping. 2 long beautiful coats, a hoodie, star scarf, and black mini skirt later...I'm done. Please G*d, I'm done (yes, I found religion again).
So that was it. February 12, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. A beautiful day in a wondrous city. Tomorrow I head to Cartagena (a beach city filled with many architectural ruins) and to see my family.
The thing I've missed is Facebook, texting, and calling my friends. I miss the people back home. I miss my dog. I miss my parents. But...it's a good thing to take a bit of a break from my social media addiction and to actually spend some time doing other things.
So...in this hotel lobby I say goodnight.
Onto the next adventure....
Lessons, more lessons, and sangria (rewritten) (Part 2)
A recap of February 11, 2012 (written on February 12, 2012...hotel bar...Sony laptop, glass(es) of sangria, and a nice plate of nuts and crackers).
So I woke up at 2PM...oh well. I guess I missed breakfast. But in California it was 5AM so as far as I'm concerned, I woke up early.
I walked the six blocks in the cold to the Metro and started the adventure to downtown. As soon as I got off the Metro I somehow landed in the world of Corte Ingles. If you don't know what Corte Ingles is, think Macy's or Harrod's on steroids. So the metro drops me off into the land of happy salesmen peddling all their shiny things. No...I don't want it, need it...blah, blah, blah.
I find a travel agency in this materialistic world...and within minutes have train tickets for Monday. Cartagena, here I come.
I quickly find an exit from the department store and find myself directly in front of Puerta del Sol. It's been six years since I've been to this city, and I have forgotten where everything is, but I refused to get a map. If I got lost, I'd talk to people. So much better than opening up maps in the middle of the street. Let the adventure begin.
First thing I found (besides the amazing architecture, street performers, and all the well dressed citizens of Madrid) was a Starbucks. And, yes, sorry, I had to go in. Nonfat latte with cinnamon in a to go cup. No sitting for hours enjoying my coffee....nope, not for me. I've got places to go, things to see.
Somehow I wandered in front of the Prado (no, I didn't go in) and then the Reina Sofia (the museum of modern art). WINNER!! I go into the museum where it was the museums monthly "free" day. SCORE!!
What can I say about modern art in Spain. It's weird, thought provoking, inspiring, bizarre...and most of the time I just wonder what kind of drug inspired someone to create something so out of the ordinary.
The museum houses various forms of artistic expression...literary, cinematic, photographic, sculptural, painted, drawn, and even a few engineering marvels. In this place my love of comic books, or KISS, of costuming and color, and my core comes alive. Wandering the different exhibits...seeing different artists representations of life (real and fantasy) inspired all sorts of wondrous feelings.
My favorite exhibit for the day...and one I will never forget...was the room of applause. You walk into a room surrounded by screens. On the screens you are watching people applaud. All around you is applause. The angle in which you are seeing the people is as if you are on a stage. A simple concept...but it made me think about how great it would be do do something actually worthy of such applause. And at that moment...all I wanted to do is figure out something I can do for society or others that would matter.
I left the museum and wandered thru the city...taking in the building, the people, the sounds, the aromas. Everywhere there were symbols of Cervantes and Don Quixote. How I love that story...a crazy man doing crazy honorable things. It makes me want to fight a windmill.
I took the metro back to the hotel and found myself in a bar / restaurant that I frequented on my last journey to Madrid. And would you believe they remembered me. Sangria, chorizo iberico (think salami only SO much better), and cheesecake...along with penning a few postcards. All in all...a great day so far.
I make it back to the hotel...and create my blog on the iPad (first major mistake of the day). I tried to fix my blog and made my second mistake (although I think I like this entry better)...and then tried to sleep. And tried. And tried. And somewhere in the middle of the night Whitney Houston died. And CNN wouldn't stop talking about it. About 6:00AM I fell asleep (although I guess in CA it would have been 9PM so I should be happy my body and mind is somewhat adjusting to the new time zone) and awoke at 1PM on the 12th. Since that is really 4AM in CA...hey, I'm really getting a hang of this time change :-)
Onto the next blog...
So I woke up at 2PM...oh well. I guess I missed breakfast. But in California it was 5AM so as far as I'm concerned, I woke up early.
I walked the six blocks in the cold to the Metro and started the adventure to downtown. As soon as I got off the Metro I somehow landed in the world of Corte Ingles. If you don't know what Corte Ingles is, think Macy's or Harrod's on steroids. So the metro drops me off into the land of happy salesmen peddling all their shiny things. No...I don't want it, need it...blah, blah, blah.
I find a travel agency in this materialistic world...and within minutes have train tickets for Monday. Cartagena, here I come.
I quickly find an exit from the department store and find myself directly in front of Puerta del Sol. It's been six years since I've been to this city, and I have forgotten where everything is, but I refused to get a map. If I got lost, I'd talk to people. So much better than opening up maps in the middle of the street. Let the adventure begin.
First thing I found (besides the amazing architecture, street performers, and all the well dressed citizens of Madrid) was a Starbucks. And, yes, sorry, I had to go in. Nonfat latte with cinnamon in a to go cup. No sitting for hours enjoying my coffee....nope, not for me. I've got places to go, things to see.
Somehow I wandered in front of the Prado (no, I didn't go in) and then the Reina Sofia (the museum of modern art). WINNER!! I go into the museum where it was the museums monthly "free" day. SCORE!!
What can I say about modern art in Spain. It's weird, thought provoking, inspiring, bizarre...and most of the time I just wonder what kind of drug inspired someone to create something so out of the ordinary.
The museum houses various forms of artistic expression...literary, cinematic, photographic, sculptural, painted, drawn, and even a few engineering marvels. In this place my love of comic books, or KISS, of costuming and color, and my core comes alive. Wandering the different exhibits...seeing different artists representations of life (real and fantasy) inspired all sorts of wondrous feelings.
My favorite exhibit for the day...and one I will never forget...was the room of applause. You walk into a room surrounded by screens. On the screens you are watching people applaud. All around you is applause. The angle in which you are seeing the people is as if you are on a stage. A simple concept...but it made me think about how great it would be do do something actually worthy of such applause. And at that moment...all I wanted to do is figure out something I can do for society or others that would matter.
I left the museum and wandered thru the city...taking in the building, the people, the sounds, the aromas. Everywhere there were symbols of Cervantes and Don Quixote. How I love that story...a crazy man doing crazy honorable things. It makes me want to fight a windmill.
I took the metro back to the hotel and found myself in a bar / restaurant that I frequented on my last journey to Madrid. And would you believe they remembered me. Sangria, chorizo iberico (think salami only SO much better), and cheesecake...along with penning a few postcards. All in all...a great day so far.
I make it back to the hotel...and create my blog on the iPad (first major mistake of the day). I tried to fix my blog and made my second mistake (although I think I like this entry better)...and then tried to sleep. And tried. And tried. And somewhere in the middle of the night Whitney Houston died. And CNN wouldn't stop talking about it. About 6:00AM I fell asleep (although I guess in CA it would have been 9PM so I should be happy my body and mind is somewhat adjusting to the new time zone) and awoke at 1PM on the 12th. Since that is really 4AM in CA...hey, I'm really getting a hang of this time change :-)
Onto the next blog...
Lessons, more lessons, and sangria (rewritten)( Part 1)
February 12, 2012
It's hard remembering all I've done in the past 3 days...but remember I must. And share...well, I have to share. I'll be doing this in 3 parts...for easier reading and, well, to give me a place to pause and ask the nice waiter for another sangria or hot tea.
February 10th was basically a non-day. My flight was rerouted to London which made for an incredibly long day.
I arrived in London around noon on Friday the 10th. There was snow on the ground and the air looked cold. There was a part of me that was so excited to see that white fluff that I wanted to run outside and feel the coldness on my fingers...to make a snowball and find a willing playmate for a snowball fight. I refrained.
In London...the moment I entered the "shopping" area I encountered a piece of home. Starbucks was waiting for me...nonfat latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon. How I smiled when I saw that mermaid surrounded by her circle. At this very Starbucks I had the opportunity to do something I haven't been able to do in a long time...write postcards.
What can I say about postcards....as much as I love receiving them I love writing them. Going to the store and buying the images I want...to finding the right story or sentiment to sending to my friends and loved ones...this makes me incredibly happy. Stamping the cards and sending them off...it's an ancient form of communication which brings me as the sender a sensation of hope.
Back on the plane to Madrid...I was praying that my bags will also be on the same plane (with the cancelled flight I was not guaranteed my bags were accompanying me). Funny the times in life where I find religion. Missing bags seemed to be one of those moments. And...G*d didn't let me down. One KISS Army Vixen bag coming down the conveyor belt...then two. BINGO!!! I'm all set for the rest of the adventure. And just as soon as my bags arrived...my faith dissipated.
At arriving at the hotel...I was exhausted. My muscles ached from tens of hours of sitting in my coach seat. For the first time ever, rather than go sightseeing or go to bed, I found a local gym and worked out for the next hour and a half. Seriously, why did I never think of doing this before? Just because I'm on vacation , doesn't mean I should completely abandon taking care of my needs. This was a great lesson.
Upon returning to the hotel, I was hungry. In looking at the menu, a sandwich with fries just did not sound appealing. All I really wanted was a piece of grilled chicken (sorry Carol) and some salad. My waiter immediately said no. Rather than succumb to my waiter, I kept asking for what I wanted until they accommodated my needs. For me, this was a huge lesson. Asking for what you want is important in this life. If I would have asked a few years ago, and would have heard "no", I would have instantly accepted the "no". The fact that I have enough confidence to ask for what I want, and to not automatically accept a "no" to me shows that I have grown up. And that's a great thing.
First night...after a long day...I fell asleep like a baby at midnight and awoke at 2PM the next day. Sleep is amazing...the best thing for my body. This is definitely another lesson...I need to start sleeping in more often.
And this was Friday the 10th.
It's hard remembering all I've done in the past 3 days...but remember I must. And share...well, I have to share. I'll be doing this in 3 parts...for easier reading and, well, to give me a place to pause and ask the nice waiter for another sangria or hot tea.
February 10th was basically a non-day. My flight was rerouted to London which made for an incredibly long day.
I arrived in London around noon on Friday the 10th. There was snow on the ground and the air looked cold. There was a part of me that was so excited to see that white fluff that I wanted to run outside and feel the coldness on my fingers...to make a snowball and find a willing playmate for a snowball fight. I refrained.
In London...the moment I entered the "shopping" area I encountered a piece of home. Starbucks was waiting for me...nonfat latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon. How I smiled when I saw that mermaid surrounded by her circle. At this very Starbucks I had the opportunity to do something I haven't been able to do in a long time...write postcards.
What can I say about postcards....as much as I love receiving them I love writing them. Going to the store and buying the images I want...to finding the right story or sentiment to sending to my friends and loved ones...this makes me incredibly happy. Stamping the cards and sending them off...it's an ancient form of communication which brings me as the sender a sensation of hope.
Back on the plane to Madrid...I was praying that my bags will also be on the same plane (with the cancelled flight I was not guaranteed my bags were accompanying me). Funny the times in life where I find religion. Missing bags seemed to be one of those moments. And...G*d didn't let me down. One KISS Army Vixen bag coming down the conveyor belt...then two. BINGO!!! I'm all set for the rest of the adventure. And just as soon as my bags arrived...my faith dissipated.
At arriving at the hotel...I was exhausted. My muscles ached from tens of hours of sitting in my coach seat. For the first time ever, rather than go sightseeing or go to bed, I found a local gym and worked out for the next hour and a half. Seriously, why did I never think of doing this before? Just because I'm on vacation , doesn't mean I should completely abandon taking care of my needs. This was a great lesson.
Upon returning to the hotel, I was hungry. In looking at the menu, a sandwich with fries just did not sound appealing. All I really wanted was a piece of grilled chicken (sorry Carol) and some salad. My waiter immediately said no. Rather than succumb to my waiter, I kept asking for what I wanted until they accommodated my needs. For me, this was a huge lesson. Asking for what you want is important in this life. If I would have asked a few years ago, and would have heard "no", I would have instantly accepted the "no". The fact that I have enough confidence to ask for what I want, and to not automatically accept a "no" to me shows that I have grown up. And that's a great thing.
First night...after a long day...I fell asleep like a baby at midnight and awoke at 2PM the next day. Sleep is amazing...the best thing for my body. This is definitely another lesson...I need to start sleeping in more often.
And this was Friday the 10th.
I still haven't learned my lesson...What's my problem??
February 13, 2012
What's my problem?? No, PLEASE don't answer that. I can only imagine what my friends would say...
I tried blogging on the iPad before...I even blogged about how awful it was and yet...I did it again. Yesterday I spent some time blogging on that awful keyboard...to end up with a blog that lacked any style or substance. I hated it. And then, when I tried to edit the entry, the whole blog got deleted.
So, even though I knew the limitations of the Google blogger app for the iPad...I went back and composed my thoughts on it a second time. I thought I was smarter than that.
Well...I guess this taught me that I am destined to repeat certain mistakes until I have enough confidence in my own opinions to not continue make the same damn mistakes.
And now...in a hotel bar in Madrid, Spain...I will re-tell yesterdays tales...and offer new stories from today's adventures.
Onto the next blog...
KISSes XXXX
What's my problem?? No, PLEASE don't answer that. I can only imagine what my friends would say...
I tried blogging on the iPad before...I even blogged about how awful it was and yet...I did it again. Yesterday I spent some time blogging on that awful keyboard...to end up with a blog that lacked any style or substance. I hated it. And then, when I tried to edit the entry, the whole blog got deleted.
So, even though I knew the limitations of the Google blogger app for the iPad...I went back and composed my thoughts on it a second time. I thought I was smarter than that.
Well...I guess this taught me that I am destined to repeat certain mistakes until I have enough confidence in my own opinions to not continue make the same damn mistakes.
And now...in a hotel bar in Madrid, Spain...I will re-tell yesterdays tales...and offer new stories from today's adventures.
Onto the next blog...
KISSes XXXX
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Blogging on an iPhone in Dallas
February 9, 2012
Well...if the iPad wasn't difficult enough to blog on...as I have no free wireless at Dallas International...I'm either not going to blog or use the phone...so here goes something....
Disappointment.
We all get disappointed. Heck, so far today my first flight was spent next to a highly fragrant individual and my second flight has been canceled. There's a lot to be frustrated about...but I'm not all that frustrated. I'm pretty relaxed actually.
And that's when I realize I've grown up...gotten wiser. I mean...what can I do?
So I'm taking the time and learning how to blog on the phone, getting ideas together for future projects, and looking at things from a different perspective.
So...whether I get to have tapas and sangria or shepherds pie and ale later...it's all good :-)
Well...if the iPad wasn't difficult enough to blog on...as I have no free wireless at Dallas International...I'm either not going to blog or use the phone...so here goes something....
Disappointment.
We all get disappointed. Heck, so far today my first flight was spent next to a highly fragrant individual and my second flight has been canceled. There's a lot to be frustrated about...but I'm not all that frustrated. I'm pretty relaxed actually.
And that's when I realize I've grown up...gotten wiser. I mean...what can I do?
So I'm taking the time and learning how to blog on the phone, getting ideas together for future projects, and looking at things from a different perspective.
So...whether I get to have tapas and sangria or shepherds pie and ale later...it's all good :-)
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Taking time off to live...
February 8, 2012
Tomorrow I leave for a little vacation. I'm off to see family and friends...as well as fill my life with some new experiences. I'm working on my final preparations...and am trying to have very general plans about what I might want to do over the next 3 weeks.
I know what I HAVE to do over the next three weeks (which scares me immensely)...I need to stop texting and Facebooking....or at least limit myself to an hour at the most of this activity per day.
I'm one of those annoying people that you go to dinner with who is always on their phone. It's absolutely obnoxious and shows such disrespect to the people I'm sharing my time with. And, even knowing this, I can't stop. It's an addiction. I wouldn't call it a bad addiction...as it has enhanced my life in countless ways...but it's gone past the point of enhancing my life and might even be detracting from living my dreams.
While wondering whether to bring my iPad or laptop...and cracking my old iPhone 3 so that I could use it when I travelled...somewhere along the line I realized I'm crazy. I'm going to museums, to study some of my favorite artists, and mainly to have new experiences. The last time I did something like this...Facebook didn't exist. I didn't have a phone. I would go to a cafe every day and journal on postcards to my parents...so I would have the experience of retelling my experiences...and make my folks happy at the same time. I liked that I did that. It meant something.
I don't want to worry if I can charge the phone and computer, while blow drying my hair without blowing a circuit.
So...
The computer and phone are coming with me...but they will be off most of the time. I will try to blog every day...but I'm not keeping myself to that. In fact, if I don't blog it might be that I'm too busy experiencing things that I can write about later.
I won't be poking people on Facebook. I won't be calling my friends and family. I won't be texting. And I won't be on Facebook very often during my time away. I will miss the experience of doing all of those things...but this is something that I truly have to do. I have to know that I am stronger than a social networking program.
To my friends and family...know that I am missing you and wishing you were with me. Hope you have a great 3 weeks and that when I get back...we have lots of stories to share.
Love and KISSes...
Tomorrow I leave for a little vacation. I'm off to see family and friends...as well as fill my life with some new experiences. I'm working on my final preparations...and am trying to have very general plans about what I might want to do over the next 3 weeks.
I know what I HAVE to do over the next three weeks (which scares me immensely)...I need to stop texting and Facebooking....or at least limit myself to an hour at the most of this activity per day.
I'm one of those annoying people that you go to dinner with who is always on their phone. It's absolutely obnoxious and shows such disrespect to the people I'm sharing my time with. And, even knowing this, I can't stop. It's an addiction. I wouldn't call it a bad addiction...as it has enhanced my life in countless ways...but it's gone past the point of enhancing my life and might even be detracting from living my dreams.
While wondering whether to bring my iPad or laptop...and cracking my old iPhone 3 so that I could use it when I travelled...somewhere along the line I realized I'm crazy. I'm going to museums, to study some of my favorite artists, and mainly to have new experiences. The last time I did something like this...Facebook didn't exist. I didn't have a phone. I would go to a cafe every day and journal on postcards to my parents...so I would have the experience of retelling my experiences...and make my folks happy at the same time. I liked that I did that. It meant something.
I don't want to worry if I can charge the phone and computer, while blow drying my hair without blowing a circuit.
So...
The computer and phone are coming with me...but they will be off most of the time. I will try to blog every day...but I'm not keeping myself to that. In fact, if I don't blog it might be that I'm too busy experiencing things that I can write about later.
I won't be poking people on Facebook. I won't be calling my friends and family. I won't be texting. And I won't be on Facebook very often during my time away. I will miss the experience of doing all of those things...but this is something that I truly have to do. I have to know that I am stronger than a social networking program.
To my friends and family...know that I am missing you and wishing you were with me. Hope you have a great 3 weeks and that when I get back...we have lots of stories to share.
Love and KISSes...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Love, loss and pain...
February 7, 2012
I'm writing this today because I know I'm going to forget this.
I was talking to my hairdresser earlier about how much things have changed in the last 18 months. Good changes, bad changes, but a lot of changes. You know, life.
This got me thinking about the changes that have been the hardest to deal with. Those of the loss of something or someone I really cared about. At the time of any loss...expected or unexpected...there is some level of pain and discomfort. In those moments...I felt like my life was over. A minute took an hour. A day took a year. Funny...in the worst of times...time passes so slowly. In everyday life...time is a blur.
But in reality...my life was not over. Just changed by the experience of knowing someone, caring about them, and feeling the loss of losing them.
What I want to remember from today...is that when a loss occurs my life is continuing. It will be different..but it's up to me to make it a good life. I should not let the pain consume me, cause me stress, and minimize the potential my life can be.
Everything has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Every person, every relationship, every job...everything ends. Most of the time, things do not end on our terms. And...I think it's best this way. The shock of an ending is devastating...but knowing everything will end should add some comfort. The pain is a natural part of life.
I write this today because, like I said, I am sure to forget this point. There are quite a few people that I care deeply for that would cause me much pain if I lost. However...knowing that I was able to care for someone so much that the pain of losing them would be excruciating is a blessing more than a curse. How wonderful is it to say you loved someone that much?
May everyone spend time enjoying your beginnings and your middles...and try to move past your ends quickly.
I'm writing this today because I know I'm going to forget this.
I was talking to my hairdresser earlier about how much things have changed in the last 18 months. Good changes, bad changes, but a lot of changes. You know, life.
This got me thinking about the changes that have been the hardest to deal with. Those of the loss of something or someone I really cared about. At the time of any loss...expected or unexpected...there is some level of pain and discomfort. In those moments...I felt like my life was over. A minute took an hour. A day took a year. Funny...in the worst of times...time passes so slowly. In everyday life...time is a blur.
But in reality...my life was not over. Just changed by the experience of knowing someone, caring about them, and feeling the loss of losing them.
What I want to remember from today...is that when a loss occurs my life is continuing. It will be different..but it's up to me to make it a good life. I should not let the pain consume me, cause me stress, and minimize the potential my life can be.
Everything has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Every person, every relationship, every job...everything ends. Most of the time, things do not end on our terms. And...I think it's best this way. The shock of an ending is devastating...but knowing everything will end should add some comfort. The pain is a natural part of life.
I write this today because, like I said, I am sure to forget this point. There are quite a few people that I care deeply for that would cause me much pain if I lost. However...knowing that I was able to care for someone so much that the pain of losing them would be excruciating is a blessing more than a curse. How wonderful is it to say you loved someone that much?
May everyone spend time enjoying your beginnings and your middles...and try to move past your ends quickly.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Wisdom
February 6, 2012
So I've lived with myself for 41 years. And in looking back on the last 41 years, there's a few things I like, a few things I have to accept that I might not like, and a few things I have the capacity to change.
The serenity prayer...the one that goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"...well, even as a seeker I can't argue with that prayer. And, for me, attaining wisdom is the hardest part.
I've spent a big part of my lifetime thus far trying to change things that were outside of my control.
I remember a time (a long time ago) when I dated someone who was an alcoholic. I didn't really know at that time what an alcoholic was. I thought people could stop drinking when they wanted to. I really didn't understand what addiction was. In speaking with a counselor at a sober living home he ended up in after a couple DUI's...I kept talking about my ex's "problem" and how I could make life better for him and I could change him and provide him a suitable environment to be sober. Problem was...my ex didn't think he had a problem. So really, the only person who had a drinking problem was me.At that time, I learned I couldn't change his life but I could change my participation in it.
That was a great lesson...but one that many people (especially women) seem to forget constantly. We can't make life better for other adults...young children, yes...but not grown up people. And yet we still have the idea that we can change circumstances beyond our control. Even with my many life experiences...I still forget this lesson.
This is where I need wisdom.
Somehow I need to figure out those things I have control of...and let go of the rest. As an "interested" and "aware" person in society...I need to really focus on creating a positive world for myself and hope that what I do will impact others in a positive way.
Wisdom...that's what I'll try to focus on as I go thru my days.
I wonder how poor Atlas feels carrying the world on his shoulders? Well, better Atlas than me :-)
So I've lived with myself for 41 years. And in looking back on the last 41 years, there's a few things I like, a few things I have to accept that I might not like, and a few things I have the capacity to change.
The serenity prayer...the one that goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"...well, even as a seeker I can't argue with that prayer. And, for me, attaining wisdom is the hardest part.
I've spent a big part of my lifetime thus far trying to change things that were outside of my control.
I remember a time (a long time ago) when I dated someone who was an alcoholic. I didn't really know at that time what an alcoholic was. I thought people could stop drinking when they wanted to. I really didn't understand what addiction was. In speaking with a counselor at a sober living home he ended up in after a couple DUI's...I kept talking about my ex's "problem" and how I could make life better for him and I could change him and provide him a suitable environment to be sober. Problem was...my ex didn't think he had a problem. So really, the only person who had a drinking problem was me.At that time, I learned I couldn't change his life but I could change my participation in it.
That was a great lesson...but one that many people (especially women) seem to forget constantly. We can't make life better for other adults...young children, yes...but not grown up people. And yet we still have the idea that we can change circumstances beyond our control. Even with my many life experiences...I still forget this lesson.
This is where I need wisdom.
Somehow I need to figure out those things I have control of...and let go of the rest. As an "interested" and "aware" person in society...I need to really focus on creating a positive world for myself and hope that what I do will impact others in a positive way.
Wisdom...that's what I'll try to focus on as I go thru my days.
I wonder how poor Atlas feels carrying the world on his shoulders? Well, better Atlas than me :-)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The First Step of the Cure Is A...KISS
February 4, 2012...
I'm shy.
Beyond shy.
Painfully, horribly, heart pounding shy around new people.
I used to drive around the block if I saw any of my neighbors, for fear they might want to talk to me. I was so afraid they weren't going to like me, that I would say something stupid, or that I would immediately give off that "loser" vibe.
In my defense...it was a learned response. Kids made fun of me growing up. I was desperately trying to fit in and never felt like I found "my" place. Being judged for speaking Spanish or eating "weird" foods. I used to throw wonderful gourmet lunches in the trash so people wouldn't see me eating the foods my mom prepared me and tease me.
I'd like to say it got better when I grew up...but it didn't. I was destined to be an outsider. First day at Loyola Marymount University I was talking to a girl (all happy to make a new friend) and walked into the fountain in front of Foley Hall. My white shirt and pretty brown skirt drenched. Humiliated...I left my weekend orientation and wouldn't leave my apartment...determined to never go back to uni.
College was almost like high school to me. Yes, I made some great friends...but I never really "fit in". I was more concerned with working (which was also the case in high school) so I tried to not let it bother me. I tried out for the business fraternity and a sorority...and was not invited to join. So basically...I felt totally unwanted.
Work was always a refuge...and a place I could shine. There I was able to make friends, talk to people, and be social without being fearful.
Work brought me one of my closest friends...Carol. She was one of those people that I bonded with almost immediately (even though I was apprehensive about her at first)...and Carol introduced me to the one thing that would help more than anything else to cure me of my shyness...
KISS
After a few shows...I came up with the idea of Carol and I wearing costumes. Carol was all for it. The first time we wore them...it was life altering for both of us. People came up to us. They wanted to talk to us. They wanted to take pictures with us. The fact that other people were interested in getting to know us and what we were about allowed both of us to get over our shyness almost immediately.
KISS changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. But I still believe that the best thing KISS ever did for me is allow me to finally feel worthy and proud. Maybe it shouldn't have taken a costume to get noticed...maybe my other works should have spoken for themselves. But now I have the courage to do so much more that I could have ever aspired to.
Caterpillars envelope themselves in a cocoon to get to the point where they can transform into a butterfly. It took me a costume and some KISS Konfetti to get to be the woman I am today.
So...for me...the first step of the cure was a KISS.
I'm shy.
Beyond shy.
Painfully, horribly, heart pounding shy around new people.
I used to drive around the block if I saw any of my neighbors, for fear they might want to talk to me. I was so afraid they weren't going to like me, that I would say something stupid, or that I would immediately give off that "loser" vibe.
In my defense...it was a learned response. Kids made fun of me growing up. I was desperately trying to fit in and never felt like I found "my" place. Being judged for speaking Spanish or eating "weird" foods. I used to throw wonderful gourmet lunches in the trash so people wouldn't see me eating the foods my mom prepared me and tease me.
I'd like to say it got better when I grew up...but it didn't. I was destined to be an outsider. First day at Loyola Marymount University I was talking to a girl (all happy to make a new friend) and walked into the fountain in front of Foley Hall. My white shirt and pretty brown skirt drenched. Humiliated...I left my weekend orientation and wouldn't leave my apartment...determined to never go back to uni.
College was almost like high school to me. Yes, I made some great friends...but I never really "fit in". I was more concerned with working (which was also the case in high school) so I tried to not let it bother me. I tried out for the business fraternity and a sorority...and was not invited to join. So basically...I felt totally unwanted.
Work was always a refuge...and a place I could shine. There I was able to make friends, talk to people, and be social without being fearful.
Work brought me one of my closest friends...Carol. She was one of those people that I bonded with almost immediately (even though I was apprehensive about her at first)...and Carol introduced me to the one thing that would help more than anything else to cure me of my shyness...
KISS
After a few shows...I came up with the idea of Carol and I wearing costumes. Carol was all for it. The first time we wore them...it was life altering for both of us. People came up to us. They wanted to talk to us. They wanted to take pictures with us. The fact that other people were interested in getting to know us and what we were about allowed both of us to get over our shyness almost immediately.
KISS changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. But I still believe that the best thing KISS ever did for me is allow me to finally feel worthy and proud. Maybe it shouldn't have taken a costume to get noticed...maybe my other works should have spoken for themselves. But now I have the courage to do so much more that I could have ever aspired to.
Caterpillars envelope themselves in a cocoon to get to the point where they can transform into a butterfly. It took me a costume and some KISS Konfetti to get to be the woman I am today.
So...for me...the first step of the cure was a KISS.
Marina Del Rey
February 3, 2012
It's late. Way too late to be writing...but a promise to do something is a promise...so here I am.
Marina Del Rey, CA
How is it possible to love a city so much?
I moved here in college. Loyola Marymount University was such an amazing place for me. It was here I feel I grew up. During the college years, I never appreciated my city. I wanted to move back to the San Fernando Valley, where my parents and friends resided.
But...over time...things changed. I got a job out of college in Marina Del Rey. For years...I still didn't appreciate where I lived. All I knew was I was working, going to school at night, dating or in a relationship and at the end of the night I would drive into my garage and go to bed. For years...I never saw the beach (even though it was 2 blocks away).
Fast forward 20 years. A lot of things have changed. I take long walks on the beach...I sit outside...I enjoy the weather. I don't drive when I'm in the Marina unless I absolutely have to. I finally learned to truly appreciate what I have.
The lesson that took me 20 years to learn is soon going to be put to the test.
As I have chosen a life of writing, traveling, and charity...well, my touchstone in the Marina will end soon. After half a lifetime...I'm going to say goodbye to the one place that felt like home. It breaks my heart to do this...but if I want to change my life, I'm going to have to make changes. I know I won't like all of the changes I have to make...but I'm doing this to allow new opportunities to come in place of the old.
My hope for tomorrow is that I learn to appreciate whatever comes my way...and that I enjoy every moment. What I hope to have learned is to never be so busy that all I do at the end of the day is drive into the garage...oblivious of the world around me.
May anyone who is reading this blog take the opportunity to appreciate all you have.
It's late. Way too late to be writing...but a promise to do something is a promise...so here I am.
Marina Del Rey, CA
How is it possible to love a city so much?
I moved here in college. Loyola Marymount University was such an amazing place for me. It was here I feel I grew up. During the college years, I never appreciated my city. I wanted to move back to the San Fernando Valley, where my parents and friends resided.
But...over time...things changed. I got a job out of college in Marina Del Rey. For years...I still didn't appreciate where I lived. All I knew was I was working, going to school at night, dating or in a relationship and at the end of the night I would drive into my garage and go to bed. For years...I never saw the beach (even though it was 2 blocks away).
Fast forward 20 years. A lot of things have changed. I take long walks on the beach...I sit outside...I enjoy the weather. I don't drive when I'm in the Marina unless I absolutely have to. I finally learned to truly appreciate what I have.
The lesson that took me 20 years to learn is soon going to be put to the test.
As I have chosen a life of writing, traveling, and charity...well, my touchstone in the Marina will end soon. After half a lifetime...I'm going to say goodbye to the one place that felt like home. It breaks my heart to do this...but if I want to change my life, I'm going to have to make changes. I know I won't like all of the changes I have to make...but I'm doing this to allow new opportunities to come in place of the old.
My hope for tomorrow is that I learn to appreciate whatever comes my way...and that I enjoy every moment. What I hope to have learned is to never be so busy that all I do at the end of the day is drive into the garage...oblivious of the world around me.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Labels
February 2, 2012
"You're single, but not available".
This phrase was used to describe me. Me. What the hell does that statement even mean??
So in trying to find a new direction for the future...I guess I need to address the aforementioned statement.
My original thought was, maybe I'm single but not available to you. Is that the truth? What is my truth? And I also realized...I sure better be the one to label myself...if not, there is no shortage of people in this world that will gladly place a label on me.
So what is my label?
Well...single. Yes. I'm single. Not married. Nope, never been married...or divorced for that matter. So I'm single.
There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be single (unmarried) and in a committed relationship.
I find it interesting when people say that they were "married" but now they are "divorced". Wasn't marriage "in sickness and in health...for richer and poorer...til death do you part"? So, if you both are still alive shouldn't you still be married?
Why get married in the first place if you're only willing to be there for good times, for richer, or til whenever you're just not happy anymore? If that's the case...why get religious organizations, the government, and attorneys involved in your love life? Sorry...I just don't get it.
So single. I was single. I am single. I'll take that.
Unavailable? That's the confusing verb for me. Unavailable for what? Let me define that. Unavailable for anyone that will keep me from growing into the person I want to be. Yes, I'm unavailable for that. Unavailable to try to "fix" someone else's current situation and be a savior. Yes, I guess I'm unavailable for that too (although I do believe that I am a very charitable and caring person). Unavailable to hurt someone else...if I know eventually I will. Yes, I'm unavailable for that too. So...there is some truth to the unavailable thing. I just don't like the negativity of that word.
SO...
What am I available for?
Well...I'm definitely available to share my life. My friends should know this. I'll be there for them in good times, bad times, rich times, lean times...til death do us part. Not everyone becomes my friend...but to those who are...they know I am always available to them.
Am I available to a "significant other"? Of course I am. But I'm not going to pick someone because I'm lonely, because they're "there", because of my age, or to better fit into society. I won't do that. I can't do that. If I try to do that I will fail miserably. I will be available to a person I admire, trust, respect, cherish, and lust...nothing less.
I am Arlene...and I am going into this year single and available to see what happens. This will be my label. I like it. It's a little wordy but fits me well.
"You're single, but not available".
This phrase was used to describe me. Me. What the hell does that statement even mean??
So in trying to find a new direction for the future...I guess I need to address the aforementioned statement.
My original thought was, maybe I'm single but not available to you. Is that the truth? What is my truth? And I also realized...I sure better be the one to label myself...if not, there is no shortage of people in this world that will gladly place a label on me.
So what is my label?
Well...single. Yes. I'm single. Not married. Nope, never been married...or divorced for that matter. So I'm single.
There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be single (unmarried) and in a committed relationship.
I find it interesting when people say that they were "married" but now they are "divorced". Wasn't marriage "in sickness and in health...for richer and poorer...til death do you part"? So, if you both are still alive shouldn't you still be married?
Why get married in the first place if you're only willing to be there for good times, for richer, or til whenever you're just not happy anymore? If that's the case...why get religious organizations, the government, and attorneys involved in your love life? Sorry...I just don't get it.
So single. I was single. I am single. I'll take that.
Unavailable? That's the confusing verb for me. Unavailable for what? Let me define that. Unavailable for anyone that will keep me from growing into the person I want to be. Yes, I'm unavailable for that. Unavailable to try to "fix" someone else's current situation and be a savior. Yes, I guess I'm unavailable for that too (although I do believe that I am a very charitable and caring person). Unavailable to hurt someone else...if I know eventually I will. Yes, I'm unavailable for that too. So...there is some truth to the unavailable thing. I just don't like the negativity of that word.
SO...
What am I available for?
Well...I'm definitely available to share my life. My friends should know this. I'll be there for them in good times, bad times, rich times, lean times...til death do us part. Not everyone becomes my friend...but to those who are...they know I am always available to them.
I am Arlene...and I am going into this year single and available to see what happens. This will be my label. I like it. It's a little wordy but fits me well.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
February 1, 2012
What a GREAT day. Seriously...a great day.
You ever have one of those. Where things just click. Where the answers just come. Where the last 40 years start to make sense (well...that might be stretching it a tad).
So...by the afternoon I figured out my "project" for the year. The one thing I want to do this year. Once I figured that out...the other answers just came.
1) I'm going to start the writing program at UCLA. Not for a degree...just take the classes I need to help me with my undertaking.
2) I'm going to travel this year to get some of the data I need for my project.
3) Inspire people somehow. Even if it is starting and finishing the project. No matter what happens...whether the project is a success or not...I want to inspire by the attempt.
4) Learn the lessons quicker.
5) Make the special people in my life proud. My family, friends, and significant others who taught me so much about music, charity, storytelling, compassion, integrity...I want them reflective in my work.
6) Spend more time with the people that inspire me. Whether it is teachers, entrepreneurs, storytellers, visionaries...these are the people I want to spend more time with. Hopefully my project brings me closer to them.
This is what I am going to do. More details on what "the project" is later.
So...by 7PM all I can say is that I am on my way.
8 more days to finalize some loose ends...a little time away to see family and friends...and come back to my new life.
I have a direction. I'm ready.
What a GREAT day. Seriously...a great day.
You ever have one of those. Where things just click. Where the answers just come. Where the last 40 years start to make sense (well...that might be stretching it a tad).
So...by the afternoon I figured out my "project" for the year. The one thing I want to do this year. Once I figured that out...the other answers just came.
1) I'm going to start the writing program at UCLA. Not for a degree...just take the classes I need to help me with my undertaking.
2) I'm going to travel this year to get some of the data I need for my project.
3) Inspire people somehow. Even if it is starting and finishing the project. No matter what happens...whether the project is a success or not...I want to inspire by the attempt.
4) Learn the lessons quicker.
5) Make the special people in my life proud. My family, friends, and significant others who taught me so much about music, charity, storytelling, compassion, integrity...I want them reflective in my work.
6) Spend more time with the people that inspire me. Whether it is teachers, entrepreneurs, storytellers, visionaries...these are the people I want to spend more time with. Hopefully my project brings me closer to them.
This is what I am going to do. More details on what "the project" is later.
8 more days to finalize some loose ends...a little time away to see family and friends...and come back to my new life.
I have a direction. I'm ready.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
January 31, 2012
Trying to blog on an iPad is frustrating. I miss the feel of actual keys when I write...but am thinking that this might be a better option when I travel. So far, I'm incredibly unimpressed composing anything other than a general email on this tablet.
Choice. There are so many choices. I wish the choice was easier....or at least I wish I had fewer options. I'm like a child. You can ask me if I want pizza or a burger. Don't ask me what do I want to eat. Don't give me unlimited choices or I get totally paralyzed.
So in trying to figure out the best choice for the future...somehow I'm going to have to narrow down the choices. If I was guaranteed countless lifetimes...it would be easy. Since I might have about 40 years (give or take) ahead if me...time is definitely a limitation.
I want to be a storyteller. But how do I want to tell the stories. And what else do I want to do with my life?
So far...I'm focusing on taking care of my physical self and working towards an understanding of what my innate gifts might be.
Best story in my life. Haiti. Basically a country of little or no choice. AND the people I met were happy...maybe because they didn't know anything else.
That's the happiness I want to find. The self love that and happiness that is not based on external forces...but rather is internal.
Well...off to try to figure some things out (and maybe off to take a hammer to the iPad)!!
Monday, January 30, 2012
January 30, 2012
Well...what did I do today?
Figuring out my new future is quite frustrating. Frustrating because of the endless possibilities. I know I want to write...be a story-teller. It's just, how do I transition from a life where I put an economic value to every decision into a life where I embrace the creative world?
I keep thinking school will help. Possibly getting a masters in fine arts specializing in writing. But is this really how I need to approach this change?
I need to rewire my brain to think differently. Parents, school, and work / life experience has created the person I am now. Would going back to school help in the rewiring process?
And, if I go to school...UCLA and CalArts are both calling my name. Such very different institutions. How do I choose the right school for me?
Best of all...I need to find a mentor in a field I am completely unfamiliar with.
Starting over...every possibility ahead...but VERY frustrating.
Well...what did I do today?
Figuring out my new future is quite frustrating. Frustrating because of the endless possibilities. I know I want to write...be a story-teller. It's just, how do I transition from a life where I put an economic value to every decision into a life where I embrace the creative world?
I keep thinking school will help. Possibly getting a masters in fine arts specializing in writing. But is this really how I need to approach this change?
I need to rewire my brain to think differently. Parents, school, and work / life experience has created the person I am now. Would going back to school help in the rewiring process?
And, if I go to school...UCLA and CalArts are both calling my name. Such very different institutions. How do I choose the right school for me?
Best of all...I need to find a mentor in a field I am completely unfamiliar with.
Starting over...every possibility ahead...but VERY frustrating.
01.29.2012
Started a blog today. Not sure yet what I am doing this for...except to have a place to express myself outside of Facebook.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life (or something like that). Let's make sure I've learned the lessons of the past so I can transcend into a new tomorrow.
Maybe somebody reads this. Maybe not.
A blog about love & loss, passion, music, adventure, travel, friends, family, animal companions, dating, mistakes, lessons, trying to make a difference...well...a blog about ME.
Started a blog today. Not sure yet what I am doing this for...except to have a place to express myself outside of Facebook.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life (or something like that). Let's make sure I've learned the lessons of the past so I can transcend into a new tomorrow.
Maybe somebody reads this. Maybe not.
A blog about love & loss, passion, music, adventure, travel, friends, family, animal companions, dating, mistakes, lessons, trying to make a difference...well...a blog about ME.
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