I'm shy.
Beyond shy.
Painfully, horribly, heart pounding shy around new people.
I used to drive around the block if I saw any of my neighbors, for fear they might want to talk to me. I was so afraid they weren't going to like me, that I would say something stupid, or that I would immediately give off that "loser" vibe.
In my defense...it was a learned response. Kids made fun of me growing up. I was desperately trying to fit in and never felt like I found "my" place. Being judged for speaking Spanish or eating "weird" foods. I used to throw wonderful gourmet lunches in the trash so people wouldn't see me eating the foods my mom prepared me and tease me.
I'd like to say it got better when I grew up...but it didn't. I was destined to be an outsider. First day at Loyola Marymount University I was talking to a girl (all happy to make a new friend) and walked into the fountain in front of Foley Hall. My white shirt and pretty brown skirt drenched. Humiliated...I left my weekend orientation and wouldn't leave my apartment...determined to never go back to uni.
College was almost like high school to me. Yes, I made some great friends...but I never really "fit in". I was more concerned with working (which was also the case in high school) so I tried to not let it bother me. I tried out for the business fraternity and a sorority...and was not invited to join. So basically...I felt totally unwanted.
Work was always a refuge...and a place I could shine. There I was able to make friends, talk to people, and be social without being fearful.
Work brought me one of my closest friends...Carol. She was one of those people that I bonded with almost immediately (even though I was apprehensive about her at first)...and Carol introduced me to the one thing that would help more than anything else to cure me of my shyness...
KISS
After a few shows...I came up with the idea of Carol and I wearing costumes. Carol was all for it. The first time we wore them...it was life altering for both of us. People came up to us. They wanted to talk to us. They wanted to take pictures with us. The fact that other people were interested in getting to know us and what we were about allowed both of us to get over our shyness almost immediately.
KISS changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. But I still believe that the best thing KISS ever did for me is allow me to finally feel worthy and proud. Maybe it shouldn't have taken a costume to get noticed...maybe my other works should have spoken for themselves. But now I have the courage to do so much more that I could have ever aspired to.
Caterpillars envelope themselves in a cocoon to get to the point where they can transform into a butterfly. It took me a costume and some KISS Konfetti to get to be the woman I am today.
So...for me...the first step of the cure was a KISS.
No comments:
Post a Comment