I'm lost

August 20, 2012

How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.

So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.

And yet, I started the year so positively.

School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.

Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.

Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.

Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.