Hopeful Visions

August 20, 2012

Fears...

I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.

In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.

I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.

Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.

Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...

I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.

A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.

In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...

1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.

This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.