August 23, 2012
I don't want to! That's all I keep saying to myself lately. There's a part of me that wants me to do things differently...and I keep fighting that inner voice. I don't want to do things differently. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. I know what things are like now. I don't want to change anything.
After more than 3 years...I'm packing up the studio. It's the right thing to do...but I don't want to do it. I'm hoping this leads to some semblance of personal growth...but I'm probably not going to get that lesson for a long time. So, in the mean time, I'm just going to walk around pissed.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know what things are going to look like if I make this change or that change...but alas...I don't have one. I have guitar picks...but I'm not sure if those picks will open any doors. Oh well.
Of course, when it rains change it pours change.
My closing the studio will make lots of things harder for me. I may not see some friends as often, or at all. I might not be able to attend certain events as they are farther away and I have difficulties driving at night. So, in making one small change...there is this involuntary domino effect.
I've been talking about making this change for a long time.
I wonder what life will be like when all is said and done....after the sadness and anger wears off. Will I be better off? Or will I have regrets?
Seasons, reasons, and lifetimes. Everything has its purpose I guess.
Meh.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A Lifetime Filled With Coincidence
August 21, 2012
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Hopeful Visions
August 20, 2012
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
I'm lost
August 20, 2012
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
School days are here again...
April 1, 2012
Somewhere in my soul I've always wanted to tell stories...stories that inspire, teach, or touch somebody's heart. So...here I am...at 41 years old going back to school to do just that...learn how to write.
The first half of my life is gone. I had a great time...but it's time to do something new. For the first time I am going after my own dream...and not someone else's. I am following this path because it is what I truly want to do...not because I have to do it. And even the fact that I can attempt this is nothing short of a blessing.
Tomorrow I go back to school. I hope every day to learn at least one new thing...even if it is "where's the best place to park" or "where can I get a good cup of coffee on campus". But I really hope to compose better sentences, tell riveting stories, and make a small difference in someone else's life.
Huell Howser...move over. I want to start telling the stories.
Somewhere in my soul I've always wanted to tell stories...stories that inspire, teach, or touch somebody's heart. So...here I am...at 41 years old going back to school to do just that...learn how to write.
The first half of my life is gone. I had a great time...but it's time to do something new. For the first time I am going after my own dream...and not someone else's. I am following this path because it is what I truly want to do...not because I have to do it. And even the fact that I can attempt this is nothing short of a blessing.
Tomorrow I go back to school. I hope every day to learn at least one new thing...even if it is "where's the best place to park" or "where can I get a good cup of coffee on campus". But I really hope to compose better sentences, tell riveting stories, and make a small difference in someone else's life.
Huell Howser...move over. I want to start telling the stories.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Forgiving Myself
March 31, 2012
It's been a little over a month since I've taken the time to write anything. A very long month.
Since I last blogged I met my birth mother for the first time, her brother (my uncle) and his family (my first cousins). I met some good friends in Miami where I was able to celebrate a birthday and see another put on a light hearted and life altering presentation on the dangers of drinking. I saw KISS perform at the Jimmy Kimmel show. I saw Jerry Seinfeld LIVE. I've had a chance to finally do some remodeling at the house. I've had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents and friends. AND I've been able to prepare for my first quarter back at UCLA where I will attempt to gain the knowledge I need to take my life in a different direction.
BUT I've also had to say goodbye to three friends that were instrumental in my world. My amazing house guests (and close friends) left after 3 months of sharing our daily lives together. Sunshine is on a hunger strike as she misses her doggie friends. These things are very difficult. In fact, they are so difficult I consistently forget all about the good things I wrote about in the aforementioned paragraph. I got caught up in the sadness of what I lost...and forgot about all I have.
I stopped working out. I really had very little energy to. I didn't want to blog. I didn't eat well. I haven't been a good friend to anyone, including myself. In fact...I felt like distancing myself a bit from the people I care about because it hurts so much when they're gone. The worst part is...within my internal thought process...I kept being cruel to myself and punishing myself for not doing what I was "suppose" to do. So every day I felt guilty.
Things will happen. I will become distracted. It's time to forgive myself and move on.
Goodbye March 2012. Welcome April. I hope to appreciate you.
It's been a little over a month since I've taken the time to write anything. A very long month.
Since I last blogged I met my birth mother for the first time, her brother (my uncle) and his family (my first cousins). I met some good friends in Miami where I was able to celebrate a birthday and see another put on a light hearted and life altering presentation on the dangers of drinking. I saw KISS perform at the Jimmy Kimmel show. I saw Jerry Seinfeld LIVE. I've had a chance to finally do some remodeling at the house. I've had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents and friends. AND I've been able to prepare for my first quarter back at UCLA where I will attempt to gain the knowledge I need to take my life in a different direction.
BUT I've also had to say goodbye to three friends that were instrumental in my world. My amazing house guests (and close friends) left after 3 months of sharing our daily lives together. Sunshine is on a hunger strike as she misses her doggie friends. These things are very difficult. In fact, they are so difficult I consistently forget all about the good things I wrote about in the aforementioned paragraph. I got caught up in the sadness of what I lost...and forgot about all I have.
I stopped working out. I really had very little energy to. I didn't want to blog. I didn't eat well. I haven't been a good friend to anyone, including myself. In fact...I felt like distancing myself a bit from the people I care about because it hurts so much when they're gone. The worst part is...within my internal thought process...I kept being cruel to myself and punishing myself for not doing what I was "suppose" to do. So every day I felt guilty.
Things will happen. I will become distracted. It's time to forgive myself and move on.
Goodbye March 2012. Welcome April. I hope to appreciate you.
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