This could ONLY happen to me....

February 24, 2012

Reflections of my time away so far…

I said something to my cousin in passing that got me thinking. You see, my 81 year old aunt thought it would be a great idea to introduce me to a guy in Spain she thought would be perfect for me (if perfect for me is unemployed, lives with his mother, and has way more than an adequate numbers of loose screws). She planned this somewhat elaborate hoax to get me to meet him.

On the second to the last night I was to spend with my family…my aunt invited me over to her house, with the excuse she didn’t feel well enough to come over to my cousins. Immediately I rushed out of my cousin’s house and entered my aunts (they live next door to one another) and…wouldn’t you know…there was a man in the parlor wearing his best suit awaiting my arrival.

For the next 45 minutes I got to hear this man talk about his ex-wife, about how he always wanted a daughter, how he was a hard worker but the failing economy rendered him unemployable. He works with technology and is very good at what he does, he says. At which point he takes out his new smart phone and proudly shows it to me. He needs help with this “thing” called Facebook and thought maybe I could help him set it up…but of course, he doesn’t even have an email address (remember…he’s been telling me how great he is with technology). Well…he decided that he would have a friend at the local bar help him set everything up. He then asked if I would chat with him on Facebook…and, if I choose, promise to be faithful to him and over the next few months we could chat on Facebook for a while and then in a couple of months I could go back to Spain, marry him, and take him with me to the U.S.

I don’t even want to start with the whole ludicrousness of the situation. I think it speaks for itself. This man never saw me before that night, and needed someone to support him and I seemed like a good option. All he had to do is marry the old spinster and make her honorable. For my aunt’s sake, I tried to be pleasant on the outside. On the inside, I was thinking…if my aunt knew me in the tiniest bit…she should know that this not the “perfect” match for me. In her mind, it is better for me to be with anyone than to be alone. It’s as if I’m flawed in some way. I was slightly perturbed, although I couldn’t get mad at my aunt or disrespect her.

My cousin was pretty pissed too. Probably more than me. But it started up a conversation that was actually pretty interesting for me.

You see, I might not have that “special relationship” with one person…but I have many “special relationships” with people around the world. I have family in different countries that, for the most part, we all get along great. Especially the cousins, their significant others, and their families. My relationships with my friends are also very strong. I love spending time with them and sharing my life with them. I love to travel, am a little eccentric, don’t like to conform, have a responsible and a little freaky side. I do what I want, when I want.

In one moment, I looked at my cousin and said…if I had a family I’d probably never see them again. Trying to get time off to see my family with work and school schedules would be too difficult a task. Leaving my family for months on end to “figure out what I want out of life” wouldn’t be a possibility either. Forget the vixen stuff, forget skating, forget losing myself in a walk by the beach. I’m too weird. And a relationship that strips me of who I am is not a relationship I choose to have.

Growing old alone…I really don’t think it’s going to happen BUT in case it does…I’m ok with it. I’m going to live the fullest life I can, learn all I can, and take care of me. And when the day comes I can’t take care of myself…I hope I have a nice room with a pretty window at a nice private assisted living facility. Adorning my walls will be pictures of all the places I’ve gone, people I’ve met, you know…my life. I’ll have little index cards with explanations of each picture in case I have forgotten. AND if it is a life well lived, hopefully I’ll have a friend or two visiting me or staying in the next suite. Even in the retirement village, I could see Carol and I giggling as we talk KISS or clothes…and I have no doubt we’d be a couple of trendy old ladies.

And while the above concept would make my aunt really mad at me…it’s my life.

The things I get involved in…sheeeesh!!! It’s enough to make me want to write a book J

But I don't want to say goodbye....

February 22, 2012

I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. And yet, it’s time to go.

How did the time go so quickly? It seems like yesterday I was apprehensive about seeing my family…and now…I absolutely can’t imagine leaving them. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

And this begins the story of my life. A constant shift of beginnings and ends…of see you again real soon…and knowing that soon really isn’t all that soon. That life goes on without me.  And that what I really get is a glimpse into my family…and not a true submersion.

And yet, in the few days I was here I was able to share time with people that I do truly love and care about. I was able to share stories about times gone by, make a few new memories, and hopefully create a tiny shred of a foundation to build a relationship upon.

The hard part is when “real life” happens. When I’m back home, immersed in the routine of daily living…how is it even possible to maintain a relationship thousands of miles away? And this has been and will always be my struggle. My only hope is that this tiny shred of a foundation will withhold a relationship in the future.

I’ve wanted to make some life changes. Well…I guess that’s what this year is about for me. How I make a living and finding out what grounds me is of utmost importance. KISS is a great foundation…but I may have to find something else to ground me. Maybe KISS can be one of the branches…but somehow it can’t be the root.

I guess if this year is going to be fruitful….I better figure out where to plant my root. And, for me, fruitful means being able to share time with the people I care about, wherever they may be. So if I’m to have these branches extend so far…I better have a pretty solid entrenched root or I’m bound to blow away.

So in the next few hours…I have to say goodbye to my family and board a train back to Madrid. Onto the next life adventure…the next experience. I just really don’t want to go. Not yet. Definitely not yet.

My friends know I get sentimental and emotional about people that have touched my life. It is something I try to control…but really I can’t. I can’t control the gratefulness I feel for my cousins kids who switched bedrooms and made so much space for me. Or for my cousins entire family of four to share one bathroom so that they could offer me my very own bathroom.  Or how they shared their time, friends, stories…well, everything…with me. And when I think about how much they wanted me to be happy, well how can I be anything less that grateful to my whole family? How do I not get emotional over these things? It’s not possible.

To care about someone or something so much that you cry when you have to say goodbye…that’s a good thing (at least for me).

Hesitantly onto the next adventure….

Reflections of my time in El Algar

February 20, 2012

I spend little time in my life wanting. I don't know if this is good or bad...it's just if I want something I usually put a plan in action and start "doing" rather than spend time sitting around "wanting".

And while I think this is a good quality...I miss the wanting. The anticipation. Sometimes I'm so quick to act...that I forget about the process...and I ESPECIALLY forget to just enjoy the moment that I get what I want. By the time I'm "doing"...I'm planning the next thing.

This trip has been great. Spending time with my aunt and cousin...and his incredible family...has been fabulous. I've slept in, played "Call of Duty" and "Sims", taken long walks and hikes, and have fallen in love with my family. I've yet to convince them KISS is the hottest band in the world...but we've found other common interests to bond us.

Some things I want to take with me.

Now that I have sufficiently messed up my internal clock...I'm ready to enjoy sleeping in again. This days of waking up at 6am on the weekends are over. I want to be able to enjoy a leisurely Saturday or Sunday in bed and not worry about what needs to be done. Whatever needs to be done will be done later.

I want to eat in more. I've really been enjoying all the homemade meals. Whether simple or elaborate, preparing your own meals and enjoying them in your home...well, I need to do this far more often. I have a beautiful home with a nice kitchen...I need to use it more. And, probably have more people over to share a meal with.

I really want to spend less time doing...less time driving, less time stressed...and appreciate more of the immediate moments in my life.

What I've also realized is I do want to spend more time with my family...parents, as well as the family I am blessed to have in both Argentina and Spain. I'm going to simplify things a bit more back home to allow more time for travel. I have an amazing family and a good relationship with everyone, I'd really like to share more life moments with them.

And...my friends...my friends back home are very much like my family. I am very grateful to have people that I care about to share my life with. I want to spend more time with my friends.

In my last 48 hours here I will have some alone time with the kids (which is so much fun), go dancing with my cousin, and share a little bit of me with those that I will be saying goodbye to. As always, I wish I could clone myself and leave a part of me behind...but unfortunately that's not a possibility.

Later this week...it's back in Madrid for a day and a half and then off to Miami...for another adventure.

KISSes

What Valentines day means to me...

February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day...a day of flowers, candy, diamonds, great sex, eternal love and devotion...OK...probably not.

Luckily I have somewhat escaped this holiday for the last couple years by either being on a cruise or away from the country. Unfortunately...I can be away from the U.S. but I can't escape the pink valentine's day explosion, heart shaped cakes at the bakery, and the constant sales pitch that...if I truly love someone...I need to spend money to buy stuff to "show" the people I love I care about them. Look, if I don't buy Christmas gifts...you probably don't have much hope I'll buy you a Valentine's gift.

But, if I see something I think you might like on February 18th...I will buy it for you. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because I think you might like it. And THAT to me is so much better than getting anyone a gift because of a predetermined day.

So...I know what I don't like about this day. But there are also things I truly do appreciate...and I want to spend some time focusing on that.

Love. Such a strange emotion. It comes from nowhere, takes a hold of you, makes you act stupid and silly, and at times causes massive pain and sadness...and yet, I believe it's worth the pain. Yes, I'm actually saying this.

It's not just that passionate love between a couple...you know, the one where just the mere thought of the other brings a smile to your heart. But it's the love between a parent and a child, between friends, and even the special love people feel for their animal companions.

The greatest Valentine's gift I was given was to bear witness of a love between a parent and their child.

I am staying in an incredible small town near the Mediterranean. There is very little to do. The cafe's do not have wifi (or nonfat milk), stores are closed during the day, people take naps. It takes me 20 minutes to walk thru the whole town. Life here is very simple.

So on this day, I went with my cousin to pick up her daughter at school. As I arrived I saw hundreds of cars parked. Nobody was sitting in their cars. All the mothers and fathers were standing outside the school prepared to pick up their child. When each child came out, they ran to their parents who greated them with a hug and a kiss...and sometimes a jacket. Then they would run to their car together.

Each child left school and immediately was greeted by a person that loved them. Nobody walked home alone.

I can't tell you how this affected me...but it did. Greatly. To me, this act of unselfish behavior on behalf of the parents (which is practiced EVERY day here) was such a sign of love.

So...on this Valentine's day...I say this. The greatest sign of love is knowing that someone is there to give you a hug, a kiss, and to make sure you're warm. It's so much better than any gift you could buy in a store.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

Fear and apprehension in Madrid

February 13, 2012

I have a weird life. My "family" consists of my parents. I have no siblings so it's basically the three of us. And, while they love me and somewhat understand me, I always long for my extended family.

So, here I am, preparing to board a train that will take me to visit my cousin, his family, and my aunt in Spain.

And reality is setting in. We have such different lives. Between language (although I am generally proficient in Spanish...I don't always have the vocabulary to express myself properly) and lifestyle...I'm actually wondering if this was a good idea. Trying to form relationships like this is hard.

The hardest part is sometimes I feel as if I'm the one that's always trying. I do wonder if having a relationship is something we both want...or if it's just me.

I'm sure these feelings will go away when I am reunited with my family...but I have to be honest about how I feel today. Building relationships is scary.

But sometimes the scariest things become the things that, moving forward, I'll be most proud of.

Here goes whatever...

Lessons, more lessons, and tea (Part 3)

February 12, 2012

OK...no more sangria. Have to try to get ready for bed. It's 11:30PM and I would love to get my body onto Madrid time. This will be the night....I hope.

So today started much like yesterday...I got ready and took the metro into town. I found new streets to walk, new buildings to see, more Starbucks to frequent.

Wandering the streets, and getting lost, was really the best part of the day. Lost in the city, lost in my imagination. Falling in love with life a little bit more.

The one thing I experienced today (and yesterday) is how different men are here. They still pursue women. They'll smile, flirt, and even will be forward. Things are so weird in the states. Somewhere along the line, men forgot to "show their feathers" and women forgot to appreciate the men for actually being men. The old art of mating, of flirting...is alive and well in the streets of Madrid. And I must admit, it was really nice to see. It makes me wonder what happened back home...are all the women really that crazy?? Are the men just inundated with sexual images that "real" women hold little appeal?? And will this trend continue?? I wonder. It was just really nice to see a city of men still being men.

In the last few days...in the midst of wandering these great cities...I remembered stories of young women who would say things to me like they would rather die than be 30 and unmarried without kids. Well...good thing I never thought like that. I would have made some choices that might have made other people, as well as me, unhappy. Finding the right person (not any person) is so important. Unless someone had the same sense of adventure...life would have been a series of many compromises that wouldn't have allowed either party to be all that they could have been independently.

There are so many topics for stories that I can find in this great city...

Somehow, after watching lots of people wearing really edgy unique fashions...I found myself back in Corte Ingles and in a moment of temporary insanity...found myself shopping...and shopping...and shopping. 2 long beautiful coats, a hoodie, star scarf, and black mini skirt later...I'm done. Please G*d, I'm done (yes, I found religion again).

So that was it. February 12, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. A beautiful day in a wondrous city. Tomorrow I head to Cartagena (a beach city filled with many architectural ruins) and to see my family.

The thing I've missed is Facebook, texting, and calling my friends. I miss the people back home. I miss my dog. I miss my parents. But...it's a good thing to take a bit of a break from my social media addiction and to actually spend some time doing other things.

So...in this hotel lobby I say goodnight.

Onto the next adventure....

Lessons, more lessons, and sangria (rewritten) (Part 2)

A recap of February 11, 2012 (written on February 12, 2012...hotel bar...Sony laptop, glass(es) of sangria, and a nice plate of nuts and crackers).

So I woke up at 2PM...oh well. I guess I missed breakfast. But in California it was 5AM so as far as I'm concerned, I woke up early.

I walked the six blocks in the cold to the Metro and started the adventure to downtown. As soon as I got off the Metro I somehow landed in the world of Corte Ingles. If you don't know what Corte Ingles is, think Macy's or Harrod's on steroids. So the metro drops me off into the land of happy salesmen peddling all their shiny things. No...I don't want it, need it...blah, blah, blah.

I find a travel agency in this materialistic world...and within minutes have train tickets for Monday. Cartagena, here I come.

I quickly find an exit from the department store and find myself directly in front of Puerta del Sol. It's been six years since I've been to this city, and I have forgotten where everything is, but I refused to get a map. If I got lost, I'd talk to people. So much better than opening up maps in the middle of the street. Let the adventure begin.

First thing I found (besides the amazing architecture, street performers, and all the well dressed citizens of Madrid) was a Starbucks. And, yes, sorry, I had to go in. Nonfat latte with cinnamon in a to go cup. No sitting for hours enjoying my coffee....nope, not for me. I've got places to go, things to see.

Somehow I wandered in front of the Prado (no, I didn't go in) and then the Reina Sofia (the museum of modern art). WINNER!! I go into the museum where it was the museums monthly "free" day. SCORE!!

What can I say about modern art in Spain. It's weird, thought provoking, inspiring, bizarre...and most of the time I just wonder what kind of drug inspired someone to create something so out of the ordinary.

The museum houses various forms of artistic expression...literary, cinematic, photographic, sculptural, painted, drawn, and even a few engineering marvels. In this place my love of comic books, or KISS, of costuming and color, and my core comes alive. Wandering the different exhibits...seeing different artists representations of life (real and fantasy) inspired all sorts of wondrous feelings.

My favorite exhibit for the day...and one I will never forget...was the room of applause. You walk into a room surrounded by screens. On the screens you are watching people applaud. All around you is applause. The angle in which you are seeing the people is as if you are on a stage. A simple concept...but it made me think about how great it would be do do something actually worthy of such applause. And at that moment...all I wanted to do is figure out something I can do for society or others that would matter.

I left the museum and wandered thru the city...taking in the building, the people, the sounds, the aromas. Everywhere there were symbols of Cervantes and Don Quixote. How I love that story...a crazy man doing crazy honorable things. It makes me want to fight a windmill.

I took the metro back to the hotel and found myself in a bar / restaurant that I frequented on my last journey to Madrid. And would you believe they remembered me. Sangria, chorizo iberico (think salami only SO much better), and cheesecake...along with penning a few postcards. All in all...a great day so far.

I make it back to the hotel...and create my blog on the iPad (first major mistake of the day). I tried to fix my blog and made my second mistake (although I think I like this entry better)...and then tried to sleep. And tried. And tried. And somewhere in the middle of the night Whitney Houston died. And CNN wouldn't stop talking about it. About 6:00AM I fell asleep (although I guess in CA it would have been 9PM so I should be happy my body and mind is somewhat adjusting to the new time zone) and awoke at 1PM on the 12th. Since that is really 4AM in CA...hey, I'm really getting a hang of this time change :-)

Onto the next blog...

Lessons, more lessons, and sangria (rewritten)( Part 1)

February 12, 2012

It's hard remembering all I've done in the past 3 days...but remember I must. And share...well, I have to share. I'll be doing this in 3 parts...for easier reading and, well, to give me a place to pause and ask the nice waiter for another sangria or hot tea.

February 10th was basically a non-day. My flight was rerouted to London which made for an incredibly long day.

I arrived in London around noon on Friday the 10th. There was snow on the ground and the air looked cold. There was a part of me that was so excited to see that white fluff that I wanted to run outside and feel the coldness on my fingers...to make a snowball and find a willing playmate for a snowball fight. I refrained.

In London...the moment I entered the "shopping" area I encountered a piece of home. Starbucks was waiting for me...nonfat latte with a sprinkle of cinnamon. How I smiled when I saw that mermaid surrounded by her circle. At this very Starbucks I had the opportunity to do something I haven't been able to do in a long time...write postcards.

What can I say about postcards....as much as I love receiving them I love writing them. Going to the store and buying the images I want...to finding the right story or sentiment to sending to my friends and loved ones...this makes me incredibly happy. Stamping the cards and sending them off...it's an ancient form of communication which brings me as the sender a sensation of hope.

Back on the plane to Madrid...I was praying that my bags will also be on the same plane (with the cancelled flight I was not guaranteed my bags were accompanying me). Funny the times in life where I find religion. Missing bags seemed to be one of those moments. And...G*d didn't let me down. One KISS Army Vixen bag coming down the conveyor belt...then two. BINGO!!! I'm all set for the rest of the adventure. And just as soon as my bags arrived...my faith dissipated.

At arriving at the hotel...I was exhausted. My muscles ached from tens of hours of sitting in my coach seat. For the first time ever, rather than go sightseeing or go to bed, I found a local gym and worked out for the next hour and a half. Seriously, why did I never think of doing this before? Just because I'm on vacation , doesn't mean I should completely abandon taking care of my needs. This was a great lesson.

Upon returning to the hotel, I was hungry. In looking at the menu, a sandwich with fries just did not sound appealing. All I really wanted was a piece of grilled chicken (sorry Carol) and some salad. My waiter immediately said no. Rather than succumb to my waiter, I kept asking for what I wanted until they accommodated my needs. For me, this was a huge lesson. Asking for what you want is important in this life. If I would have asked a few years ago, and would have heard "no", I would have instantly accepted the "no". The fact that I have enough confidence to ask for what I want, and to not automatically accept a "no" to me shows that I have grown up. And that's a great thing.

First night...after a long day...I fell asleep like a baby at midnight and awoke at 2PM the next day. Sleep is amazing...the best thing for my body. This is definitely another lesson...I need to start sleeping in more often.

And this was Friday the 10th.

I still haven't learned my lesson...What's my problem??

February 13, 2012

What's my problem?? No, PLEASE don't answer that. I can only imagine what my friends would say...

I tried blogging on the iPad before...I even blogged about how awful it was and yet...I did it again. Yesterday I spent some time blogging on that awful keyboard...to end up with a blog that lacked any style or substance. I hated it. And then, when I tried to edit the entry, the whole blog got deleted.

So, even though I knew the limitations of the Google blogger app for the iPad...I went back and composed my thoughts on it a second time. I thought I was smarter than that.

Well...I guess this taught me that I am destined to repeat certain mistakes until I have enough confidence in my own opinions to not continue make the same damn mistakes.

And now...in a hotel bar in Madrid, Spain...I will re-tell yesterdays tales...and offer new stories from today's adventures.

Onto the next blog...

KISSes  XXXX

Blogging on an iPhone in Dallas

February 9, 2012

Well...if the iPad wasn't difficult enough to blog on...as I have no free wireless at Dallas International...I'm either not going to blog or use the phone...so here goes something....

Disappointment.

We all get disappointed. Heck, so far today my first flight was spent next to a highly fragrant individual and my second flight has been canceled. There's a lot to be frustrated about...but I'm not all that frustrated. I'm pretty relaxed actually.

And that's when I realize I've grown up...gotten wiser. I mean...what can I do?

So I'm taking the time and learning how to blog on the phone, getting ideas together for future projects, and looking at things from a different perspective.

So...whether I get to have tapas and sangria or shepherds pie and ale later...it's all good :-)

Taking time off to live...

February 8, 2012

Tomorrow I leave for a little vacation. I'm off to see family and friends...as well as fill my life with some new experiences. I'm working on my final preparations...and am trying to have very general plans about what I might want to do over the next 3 weeks.

I know what I HAVE to do over the next three weeks (which scares me immensely)...I need to stop texting and Facebooking....or at least limit myself to an hour at the most of this activity per day.

I'm one of those annoying people that you go to dinner with who is always on their phone. It's absolutely obnoxious and shows such disrespect to the people I'm sharing my time with. And, even knowing this, I can't stop. It's an addiction. I wouldn't call it a bad addiction...as it has enhanced my life in countless ways...but it's gone past the point of enhancing my life and might even be detracting from living my dreams.

While wondering whether to bring my iPad or laptop...and cracking my old iPhone 3 so that I could use it when I travelled...somewhere along the line I realized I'm crazy. I'm going to museums, to study some of my favorite artists, and mainly to have new experiences. The last time I did something like this...Facebook didn't exist. I didn't have a phone. I would go to a cafe every day and journal on postcards to my parents...so I would have the experience of retelling my experiences...and make my folks happy at the same time. I liked that I did that. It meant something.

I don't want to worry if I can charge the phone and computer, while blow drying my hair without blowing a circuit.

So...

The computer and phone are coming with me...but they will be off most of the time. I will try to blog every day...but I'm not keeping myself to that. In fact, if I don't blog it might be that I'm too busy experiencing things that I can write about later.

I won't be poking people on Facebook. I won't be calling my friends and family. I won't be texting. And I won't be on Facebook very often during my time away. I will miss the experience of doing all of those things...but this is something that I truly have to do. I have to know that I am stronger than a social networking program.

To my friends and family...know that I am missing you and wishing you were with me. Hope you have a great 3 weeks and that when I get back...we have lots of stories to share.

Love and KISSes...

Love, loss and pain...

February 7, 2012

I'm writing this today because I know I'm going to forget this.

I was talking to my hairdresser earlier about how much things have changed in the last 18 months. Good changes, bad changes, but a lot of changes. You know, life.

This got me thinking about the changes that have been the hardest to deal with. Those of the loss of something or someone I really cared about. At the time of any loss...expected or unexpected...there is some level of pain and discomfort. In those moments...I felt like my life was over. A minute took an hour. A day took a year. Funny...in the worst of times...time passes so slowly. In everyday life...time is a blur.

But in reality...my life was not over. Just changed by the experience of knowing someone, caring about them, and feeling the loss of losing them.

What I want to remember from today...is that when a loss occurs my life is continuing. It will be different..but it's up to me to make it a good life. I should not let the pain consume me, cause me stress, and minimize the potential my life can be.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Every person, every relationship, every job...everything ends. Most of the time, things do not end on our terms. And...I think it's best this way. The shock of an ending is devastating...but knowing everything will end should add some comfort. The pain is a natural part of life.

I write this today because, like I said, I am sure to forget this point. There are quite a few people that I care deeply for that would cause me much pain if I lost. However...knowing that I was able to care for someone so much that the pain of losing them would be excruciating is a blessing more than a curse. How wonderful is it to say you loved someone that much?

May everyone spend time enjoying your beginnings and your middles...and try to move past your ends quickly.

Wisdom

February 6, 2012

So I've lived with myself for 41 years. And in looking back on the last 41 years, there's a few things I like, a few things I have to accept that I might not like, and a few things I have the capacity to change.

The serenity prayer...the one that goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"...well, even as a seeker I can't argue with that prayer. And, for me, attaining wisdom is the hardest part.

I've spent a big part of my lifetime thus far trying to change things that were outside of my control.

I remember a time (a long time ago) when I dated someone who was an alcoholic. I didn't really know at that time what an alcoholic was. I thought people could stop drinking when they wanted to. I really didn't understand what addiction was. In speaking with a counselor at a sober living home he ended up in after a couple DUI's...I kept talking about my ex's "problem" and how I could make life better for him and I could change him and provide him a suitable environment to be sober. Problem was...my ex didn't think he had a problem. So really, the only person who had a drinking problem was me.At that time, I learned I couldn't change his life but I could change my participation in it.

That was a great lesson...but one that many people (especially women) seem to forget constantly. We can't make life better for other adults...young children, yes...but not grown up people. And yet we still have the idea that we can change circumstances beyond our control. Even with my many life experiences...I still forget this lesson.

This is where I need wisdom.

Somehow I need to figure out those things I have control of...and let go of the rest. As an "interested" and "aware" person in society...I need to really focus on creating a positive world for myself and hope that what I do will impact others in a positive way.

Wisdom...that's what I'll try to focus on as I go thru my days.

I wonder how poor Atlas feels carrying the world on his shoulders? Well, better Atlas than me :-)

The First Step of the Cure Is A...KISS

February 4, 2012...

I'm shy.

Beyond shy.

Painfully, horribly, heart pounding shy around new people.

I used to drive around the block if I saw any of my neighbors, for fear they might want to talk to me. I was so afraid they weren't going to like me, that I would say something stupid, or that I would immediately give off that "loser" vibe.

In my defense...it was a learned response. Kids made fun of me growing up. I was desperately trying to fit in and never felt like I found "my" place. Being judged for speaking Spanish or eating "weird" foods. I used to throw wonderful gourmet lunches in the trash so people wouldn't see me eating the foods my mom prepared me and tease me.

I'd like to say it got better when I grew up...but it didn't. I was destined to be an outsider. First day at Loyola Marymount University I was talking to a girl (all happy to make a new friend) and walked into the fountain in front of Foley Hall. My white shirt and pretty brown skirt drenched. Humiliated...I left my weekend orientation and wouldn't leave my apartment...determined to never go back to uni.

College was almost like high school to me. Yes, I made some great friends...but I never really "fit in". I was more concerned with working (which was also the case in high school) so I tried to not let it bother me. I tried out for the business fraternity and a sorority...and was not invited to join. So basically...I felt totally unwanted.

Work was always a refuge...and a place I could shine. There I was able to make friends, talk to people, and be social without being fearful.

Work brought me one of my closest friends...Carol. She was one of those people that I bonded with almost immediately (even though I was apprehensive about her at first)...and Carol introduced me to the one thing that would help more than anything else to cure me of my shyness...

KISS

After a few shows...I came up with the idea of Carol and I wearing costumes. Carol was all for it. The first time we wore them...it was life altering for both of us. People came up to us. They wanted to talk to us. They wanted to take pictures with us. The fact that other people were interested in getting to know us and what we were about allowed both of us to get over our shyness almost immediately.

KISS changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. But I still believe that the best thing KISS ever did for me is allow me to finally feel worthy and proud. Maybe it shouldn't have taken a costume to get noticed...maybe my other works should have spoken for themselves. But now I have the courage to do so much more that I could have ever aspired to.

Caterpillars envelope themselves in a cocoon to get to the point where they can transform into a butterfly. It took me a costume and some KISS Konfetti to get to be the woman I am today.

So...for me...the first step of the cure was a KISS. 

Marina Del Rey

February 3, 2012

It's late. Way too late to be writing...but a promise to do something is a promise...so here I am.

Marina Del Rey, CA

How is it possible to love a city so much?

I moved here in college. Loyola Marymount University was such an amazing place for me. It was here I feel I grew up. During the college years, I never appreciated my city. I wanted to move back to the San Fernando Valley, where my parents and friends resided.

But...over time...things changed. I got a job out of college in Marina Del Rey. For years...I still didn't appreciate where I lived. All I knew was I was working, going to school at night, dating or in a relationship and at the end of the night I would drive into my garage and go to bed. For years...I never saw the beach (even though it was 2 blocks away).

Fast forward 20 years. A lot of things have changed. I take long walks on the beach...I sit outside...I enjoy the weather. I don't drive when I'm in the Marina unless I absolutely have to. I finally learned to truly appreciate what I have.

The lesson that took me 20 years to learn is soon going to be put to the test.

As I have chosen a life of writing, traveling, and charity...well, my touchstone in the Marina will end soon. After half a lifetime...I'm going to say goodbye to the one place that felt like home. It breaks my heart to do this...but if I want to change my life, I'm going to have to make changes. I know I won't like all of the changes I have to make...but I'm doing this to allow new opportunities to come in place of the old.

My hope for tomorrow is that I learn to appreciate whatever comes my way...and that I enjoy every moment. What I hope to have learned is to never be so busy that all I do at the end of the day is drive into the garage...oblivious of the world around me.

May anyone who is reading this blog take the opportunity to appreciate all you have.

Labels

February 2, 2012


"You're single, but not available".


This phrase was used to describe me. Me. What the hell does that statement even mean?? 


So in trying to find a new direction for the future...I guess I need to address the aforementioned statement.


My original thought was, maybe I'm single but not available to you. Is that the truth? What is my truth? And I also realized...I sure better be the one to label myself...if not, there is no shortage of people in this world that will gladly place a label on me. 


So what is my label?


Well...single. Yes. I'm single. Not married. Nope, never been married...or divorced for that matter. So I'm single. 


There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be single (unmarried) and in a committed relationship. 


I find it interesting when people say that they were "married" but now they are "divorced". Wasn't marriage "in sickness and in health...for richer and poorer...til death do you part"? So, if you both are still alive shouldn't you still be married?  


Why get married in the first place if you're only willing to be there for good times, for richer, or til whenever you're just not happy anymore? If that's the case...why get religious organizations, the government, and attorneys involved in your love life? Sorry...I just don't get it.


So single. I was single. I am single. I'll take that.


Unavailable? That's the confusing verb for me. Unavailable for what? Let me define that. Unavailable for anyone that will keep me from growing into the person I want to be. Yes, I'm unavailable for that. Unavailable to try to "fix" someone else's current situation and be a savior. Yes, I guess I'm unavailable for that too (although I do believe that I am a very charitable and caring person). Unavailable to hurt someone else...if I know eventually I will. Yes, I'm unavailable for that too. So...there is some truth to the unavailable thing. I just don't like the negativity of that word.


SO...


What am I available for?


Well...I'm definitely available to share my life. My friends should know this. I'll be there for them in good times, bad times, rich times, lean times...til death do us part. Not everyone becomes my friend...but to those who are...they know I am always available to them. 

Am I available to a "significant other"? Of course I am. But I'm not going to pick someone because I'm lonely, because they're "there", because of my age, or to better fit into society. I won't do that.  I can't do that. If I try to do that I will fail miserably. I will be available to a person I admire, trust, respect, cherish, and lust...nothing less.


I am Arlene...and I am going into this year single and available to see what happens. This will be my label. I like it. It's a little wordy but fits me well.

February 1, 2012

What a GREAT day. Seriously...a great day.

You ever have one of those. Where things just click. Where the answers just come. Where the last 40 years start to make sense (well...that might be stretching it a tad).

So...by the afternoon I figured out my "project" for the year. The one thing I want to do this year. Once I figured that out...the other answers just came.

1) I'm going to start the writing program at UCLA. Not for a degree...just take the classes I need to help me with my undertaking.

2) I'm going to travel this year to get some of the data I need for my project.

3) Inspire people somehow. Even if it is starting and finishing the project. No matter what happens...whether the project is a success or not...I want to inspire by the attempt.

4) Learn the lessons quicker.

5) Make the special people in my life proud. My family, friends, and significant others who taught me so much about music, charity, storytelling, compassion, integrity...I want them reflective in my work.

6) Spend more time with the people that inspire me. Whether it is teachers, entrepreneurs, storytellers, visionaries...these are the people I want to spend more time with. Hopefully my project brings me closer to them.

This is what I am going to do. More details on what "the project" is later.

So...by 7PM all I can say is that I am on my way.

8 more days to finalize some loose ends...a little time away to see family and friends...and come back to my new life.

I have a direction. I'm ready.