August 30, 2012
I was going through a "tapping creativity" exercise and got to a section that talked about writing "fan letters" to those individuals who have influenced your life. One person changed my life in many ways...without who I wouldn't be the person I am today. This is my feeble attempt at saying thank you.
Our first interaction was uneventful. Let's be honest, you were too enthusiastic for me. I had no interest in meeting you...or communicating with you in any way.
Seven months later...on a whim...I met you for lunch. No fireworks, no passion, but just a nice conversation between two new friends. You bought me a book..."The Alchemist"...and I left for a 3 week adventure to Hawaii. It was then when I was alone in Hawaii...thousands of miles away...that you influenced me, changed me, grew me, and became entirely necessary in my world.
How can I ever thank you for opening up my mind. I never thought about my spirituality...about what I believed. Even though, in the end, we chose different spiritual paths I have to thank you for opening my mind to there actually being a path. I'm kinder, more compassionate, and more aware than I have ever been thanks to your influence.
My creativity blossomed under your tutelage. I learned how to notice the small things. I see colors differently. Fabrics too. I'm certain KISS Army Vixens would not have existed...or would most definitely have manifested differently. Heck, I wouldn't have even attempted to do all that I have done if it weren't for the time we spent together.
There was love and passion, kindness and gentleness. And there were dreams. Dreams of travel, of making a difference, of leaving a legacy. I still carry those dreams with me today and hope that I am...in fact...still wandering on a path that leads in that same direction.
Our fights, the disagreements, the tears...the pain...those horrible moments taught me the most invaluable lessons of all...it brought forth my shortcomings. I know I am less angry and far more at peace today because of all of the difficult times we endured.
You changed my life, you changed my world. You changed my geography. I might never have left my little corner of the world if it wasn't for you. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to thrive under new circumstances.
And mostly, thank you for leaving. Thank you for not staying when you wanted to leave. It was time to say goodbye. Thank you for closing the book and giving me an opportunity to write a new one.
I will forever be your fan. May your best days be ahead of you and may your new path sparkle in the moonlight. Wherever you travel and whatever you see...please take any positivity we shared with you on your journey.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
I'm Not Enough
August 28, 2012
I don't want to write this post, but it needs to be written.
Bullshit. Appearances. Acting as if. The mask. What a fucking joke.
Every day, I'm not enough. Not compared to others. Everyone seems to be more talented, less stressed, more compassionate, healthier, prettier, and more at ease. It seems everyone else is better at making choices. Better at accepting reality. And certainly, no-one else sits there and analyzes all this "life" stuff as much as I do.
Knowing this is hard. As much as I love myself...there are times I downright hate myself. I make bad choices every day. And the truth is I must want to continue to make bad choices because I don't want to stop. At least, I don't want to stop enough to actually stop.
If I want to have a healthier body, I would eat better and exercise more. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be a writer, I would spend more time on my craft. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be more compassionate, I would spend more time assisting others. I'm not doing that.
If I wanted a less cluttered house, I would spend more time sorting through things and eliminating the things I don't need. Nope, I haven't done that either.
So, in the end what do I want? Is what I really want to be a lonely philosopher who spends her time just thinking about both consequential and inconsequential things til my death? What kind of a life am I proposing for myself?
I really hope that's not what I want. That can't possibly be my purpose.
I know, accepting myself is the key to a happy life. Accepting my flaws, my humanity. But really, it only pisses me off. I'm pissed because if I know how to do things different, why don't I? Where do my choices come from? Laziness? Conformity?
I'm 41. By the time I'm 45, I want to at least have different problems. Not these same ones. I'm getting bored of the same problems. I want to hate myself for new reasons...not those same tired reasons I've carried around for so long.
The mask I'm wearing is starting to itch. I need to scratch my ear, rub my eye, but I'm afraid in doing so the world will get a glimpse of what lies underneath the mask. I can't let you see me, so I'll stay uncomfortable hidden inside this facade.
I'm not enough. No part of me is. Can I be OK with that?
I don't want to write this post, but it needs to be written.
Bullshit. Appearances. Acting as if. The mask. What a fucking joke.
Every day, I'm not enough. Not compared to others. Everyone seems to be more talented, less stressed, more compassionate, healthier, prettier, and more at ease. It seems everyone else is better at making choices. Better at accepting reality. And certainly, no-one else sits there and analyzes all this "life" stuff as much as I do.
Knowing this is hard. As much as I love myself...there are times I downright hate myself. I make bad choices every day. And the truth is I must want to continue to make bad choices because I don't want to stop. At least, I don't want to stop enough to actually stop.
If I want to have a healthier body, I would eat better and exercise more. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be a writer, I would spend more time on my craft. I'm not doing that.
If I want to be more compassionate, I would spend more time assisting others. I'm not doing that.
If I wanted a less cluttered house, I would spend more time sorting through things and eliminating the things I don't need. Nope, I haven't done that either.
So, in the end what do I want? Is what I really want to be a lonely philosopher who spends her time just thinking about both consequential and inconsequential things til my death? What kind of a life am I proposing for myself?
I really hope that's not what I want. That can't possibly be my purpose.
I know, accepting myself is the key to a happy life. Accepting my flaws, my humanity. But really, it only pisses me off. I'm pissed because if I know how to do things different, why don't I? Where do my choices come from? Laziness? Conformity?
I'm 41. By the time I'm 45, I want to at least have different problems. Not these same ones. I'm getting bored of the same problems. I want to hate myself for new reasons...not those same tired reasons I've carried around for so long.
The mask I'm wearing is starting to itch. I need to scratch my ear, rub my eye, but I'm afraid in doing so the world will get a glimpse of what lies underneath the mask. I can't let you see me, so I'll stay uncomfortable hidden inside this facade.
I'm not enough. No part of me is. Can I be OK with that?
Friday, August 24, 2012
I've Got Got Something to Lose
August 24, 2012
Sorry KISS. I've got nothing to lose? You're wrong on this one. In life, there is always something to lose. Something you put at risk. Whether it's a value, a virtue, an emotion...any time you are invested in something...you have something to lose.
I keep going back to advice or teaching. If you always give away your advice, or teach your lessons...the recipients tend to not value what you have given them. People tend to put higher value on things, ideas, and people they are actually vested into...
I try do be a good citizen, a compassionate friend and family member.
It's time to look at things a little different. When being a part of society and I want to engage in something or someone, maybe I need to start evaluating what the counterpart is risking as well.
We never fully do something for no reason. We help our friends because we hope it feeds the relationship and that, to some degree, our friends appreciate the help. But how many times have I helped others...only to be hurt when the effort isn't appreciated.
I need to keep thinking about this. Blogging about it. There's something to this way of thinking that will bring about a deeper sense of happiness and joy. Only invest in things where others are equally vested.
I'll write more on this subject. At least until I learn my lessons. And, I for one, will value the process of figuring out what is to lose before taking on something new.
Sorry KISS. I've got nothing to lose? You're wrong on this one. In life, there is always something to lose. Something you put at risk. Whether it's a value, a virtue, an emotion...any time you are invested in something...you have something to lose.
I keep going back to advice or teaching. If you always give away your advice, or teach your lessons...the recipients tend to not value what you have given them. People tend to put higher value on things, ideas, and people they are actually vested into...
I try do be a good citizen, a compassionate friend and family member.
It's time to look at things a little different. When being a part of society and I want to engage in something or someone, maybe I need to start evaluating what the counterpart is risking as well.
We never fully do something for no reason. We help our friends because we hope it feeds the relationship and that, to some degree, our friends appreciate the help. But how many times have I helped others...only to be hurt when the effort isn't appreciated.
I need to keep thinking about this. Blogging about it. There's something to this way of thinking that will bring about a deeper sense of happiness and joy. Only invest in things where others are equally vested.
I'll write more on this subject. At least until I learn my lessons. And, I for one, will value the process of figuring out what is to lose before taking on something new.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Seasons, Reason, and Lifetimes...Closing Doors
August 23, 2012
I don't want to! That's all I keep saying to myself lately. There's a part of me that wants me to do things differently...and I keep fighting that inner voice. I don't want to do things differently. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. I know what things are like now. I don't want to change anything.
After more than 3 years...I'm packing up the studio. It's the right thing to do...but I don't want to do it. I'm hoping this leads to some semblance of personal growth...but I'm probably not going to get that lesson for a long time. So, in the mean time, I'm just going to walk around pissed.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know what things are going to look like if I make this change or that change...but alas...I don't have one. I have guitar picks...but I'm not sure if those picks will open any doors. Oh well.
Of course, when it rains change it pours change.
My closing the studio will make lots of things harder for me. I may not see some friends as often, or at all. I might not be able to attend certain events as they are farther away and I have difficulties driving at night. So, in making one small change...there is this involuntary domino effect.
I've been talking about making this change for a long time.
I wonder what life will be like when all is said and done....after the sadness and anger wears off. Will I be better off? Or will I have regrets?
Seasons, reasons, and lifetimes. Everything has its purpose I guess.
Meh.
I don't want to! That's all I keep saying to myself lately. There's a part of me that wants me to do things differently...and I keep fighting that inner voice. I don't want to do things differently. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. I know what things are like now. I don't want to change anything.
After more than 3 years...I'm packing up the studio. It's the right thing to do...but I don't want to do it. I'm hoping this leads to some semblance of personal growth...but I'm probably not going to get that lesson for a long time. So, in the mean time, I'm just going to walk around pissed.
I wish I had a crystal ball to know what things are going to look like if I make this change or that change...but alas...I don't have one. I have guitar picks...but I'm not sure if those picks will open any doors. Oh well.
Of course, when it rains change it pours change.
My closing the studio will make lots of things harder for me. I may not see some friends as often, or at all. I might not be able to attend certain events as they are farther away and I have difficulties driving at night. So, in making one small change...there is this involuntary domino effect.
I've been talking about making this change for a long time.
I wonder what life will be like when all is said and done....after the sadness and anger wears off. Will I be better off? Or will I have regrets?
Seasons, reasons, and lifetimes. Everything has its purpose I guess.
Meh.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
August 22, 2012
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Walking Backwards
It's the same lesson over and over again. When the hell am I going to learn? How is it I was so much smarter 20 years ago? Aren't we suppose to get wiser over time?
Life's failures really do a number on you. At least they have on me. They've taught me to doubt myself, my abilities, and especially my self worth. I see my failures rather than my accomplishments when looking back upon my life.
It's time to stop this. Ha! What a joke. Stopping goes against everything I hold as a core belief. There needs to be forward momentum. So now I'm doubting my own core beliefs. What is this new thing about? Momentum is what drives me. How can I stop movement?
So, I can't stop this vicious circle. I have to do the one thing that kinda sorta maybe makes sense. Walk backwards.
But wait. I have been walking backwards. I haven't been moving forward...I just keep moving backwards in certain parts of my life. There are some things I eventually want to do over again. There are some things I never want to do again. Maybe it is time to stop walking backwards. Or maybe it's just time to stop.
Am I back to square one?
Why can't I even find my truth?
Maybe it is time to stop.
Maybe it's time to stop writing.
Frustrations abound.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
A Lifetime Filled With Coincidence
August 21, 2012
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Coincidence and spirituality. Is life random or are we all on some sort of spiritual path where we are given familiar guideposts to lead us a particular way?
I am so not religious. I guess I am anti religious. But I am spiritual. Or at least I'm a seeker (whatever the hell that is). I want to understand what other people believe in on this Earth so that I can be a better citizen, a better friend, and adopt concepts that will allow me to live a more joyful life.
In this process...I keep finding myself in moments of absolute coincidence. Two completely unrelated things I find are intrinsically related. Why does this keep happening? I want to come up with some type of hypothesis and test the theory.
Are all these "coincidences" in our lives there to illuminate our personal journey? I'm starting to think they are. Maybe life is about finding coincidences...finding that which is similar in others.
It seems a much better approach than that of traditional religious dogma. Most religious theory focuses on what is different. Christianity, Islam, and Judaism focus on being "chosen" or "enlightened" people. They spend time learning about their own particular faith and little time understanding others beliefs (except to criticize).
If attaining spiritual enlightenment or understanding is a part of our journey...why aren't we spending more time understanding similarities rather than focusing on all that is different (and fearing such differences).
My friends, my family (adopted and biological), my lovers, my jobs are all gifts of coincidence. I think I need to accept this reality as I embark on changing directions. I seem to always look for places to plant my roots.
Maybe I'm a succulent plant (I just been enlightened about these freaks of nature a few weeks ago). Maybe you just split a part of me off and just plant me somewhere else. Maybe we can have several roots. And maybe, just maybe, our roots should be embedded in familiar soil (coincidences) to allow us to flourish.
And this is the crap I am thinking about today. And it's only Tuesday.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Hopeful Visions
August 20, 2012
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
Fears...
I have so many of them. Some are justified, some are silly, and then there are those that are somewhere in the middle.
In trying to experience all that life has to offer, I have no choice but to confront my fears. The justified ones I can happily accept in my life. Silly fears I know are silly and I have many coping mechanisms for them. It's the other stuff. Life stuff. People stuff. My stuff.
I want to get rid of stuff. Oh how I want to live simply. I have for years. I'm slowly working on getting rid of the excess material stuff. But know I realize I have to get rid of my "interpersonal" stuff too. Some of my fears have got to go. There's just too many of them. I can't keep housing them in my spirit anymore.
Fears like I fear I'm not enough. That's a daily fear. That's a life fear.
Why is it that I can easily support others and their abilities...and yet I have a hard time supporting my own visions? Why should I believe more in others than I should believe in my own self? I need to believe in myself more. But how do I eliminate this fear? Act as if I don't have the fear? Acquire more knowledge? The time when I feel I can support myself best is when I get positive affirmation from other people. But what if others don't support me? That shouldn't mean I should stop supporting myself, does it? Arghhh...
I have been hurt. It's normal to be hurt. Life is imperfect. The best situations or even the most thoughtful people can unintentionally hurt you. I don't want to fear hurt anymore. Fearing hurt is akin to fearing life. I can't fear life or I'm doomed to not live it.
A friend of mine killed herself last month. A very sweet girl. A strong believer in the Christian faith. When I think of her...I imagine all the fears she must have been carrying with her that caused her to believe that death was better than life. It scared me. I need to eradicate those types of fears from my life.
In thinking of my fears...I came up with this little questionnaire. I'll refine it over time. But here's what I've got so far...
1) Identify the fear.
2) Question the need for the fear.
3) What / who is enabling me to stay fearful?
4) What is this fear keeping me from?
5) Should I keep this fear in my life or am I ready to let it go?
6) If I'm ready to let it go, just do it. Rip the fear like a bandage...quick. I may not be comfortable at first...but every wound needs time in the fresh air to heal.
7) Remember...I have far more experience in building walls then tearing them down. At any time, I know how to build a new wall.
This is the process I think I'm going to try over the next few months. Forget think. This is the process I will try over the next few months. Let's see where I am in 2013.
I'm lost
August 20, 2012
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
How did this happen? I went into this year with both fear and anticipation of what I thought would be a year of learning and growth. All I've learned is things die. People die. Relationships die. Friendships die. Even my personal resolve dies. I've learned that caring for anyone is hard because, in the end, I can't save anyone. Hell...most days it's hard enough to care for myself. I certainly know I can't protect myself from all the bad in the world...or even my own mortality.
So back to writing. I keep wanting to write positive things...mainly because I want to focus on all that is positive rather than focusing on the negative. My problem with this is that I keep using all my positive energy just "being" in the "real world" and then...when I sit down to write...I feel drained. Empty.
And yet, I started the year so positively.
School was far more stressful than I ever thought it would be...especially since I was feeling certain pressure to change my writing style. I constantly felt judged. All the judgment and criticisms of others took the joy away from much of the writing. And I just stopped.
Life keeps going on. Every day I am surrounded by great people. I have opportunities most people don't have. I am blessed with new vibrant talented thoughtful people entering my little circle. And yet, the inner struggle...the turmoil within my mind...continues.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. Or maybe today.
Well, at least I'm writing now. Maybe things are already getting a little better.
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