Forgiving Myself

March 31, 2012

It's been a little over a month since I've taken the time to write anything. A very long month.

Since I last blogged I met my birth mother for the first time, her brother (my uncle) and his family (my first cousins). I met some good friends in Miami where I was able to celebrate a birthday and see another put on a light hearted and life altering presentation on the dangers of drinking. I saw KISS perform at the Jimmy Kimmel show. I saw Jerry Seinfeld LIVE. I've had a chance to finally do some remodeling at the house. I've had the opportunity to spend some time with my parents and friends. AND I've been able to prepare for my first quarter back at UCLA where I will attempt to gain the knowledge I need to take my life in a different direction.

BUT I've also had to say goodbye to three friends that were instrumental in my world. My amazing house guests (and close friends) left after 3 months of sharing our daily lives together. Sunshine is on a hunger strike as she misses her doggie friends. These things are very difficult. In fact, they are so difficult I consistently forget all about the good things I wrote about in the aforementioned paragraph. I got caught up in the sadness of what I lost...and forgot about all I have.

I stopped working out. I really had very little energy to. I didn't want to blog. I didn't eat well. I haven't been a good friend to anyone, including myself. In fact...I felt like distancing myself a bit from the people I care about because it hurts so much when they're gone. The worst part is...within my internal thought process...I kept being cruel to myself and punishing myself for not doing what I was "suppose" to do. So every day I felt guilty.

Things will happen. I will become distracted. It's time to forgive myself and move on.

Goodbye March 2012. Welcome April. I hope to appreciate you.

This could ONLY happen to me....

February 24, 2012

Reflections of my time away so far…

I said something to my cousin in passing that got me thinking. You see, my 81 year old aunt thought it would be a great idea to introduce me to a guy in Spain she thought would be perfect for me (if perfect for me is unemployed, lives with his mother, and has way more than an adequate numbers of loose screws). She planned this somewhat elaborate hoax to get me to meet him.

On the second to the last night I was to spend with my family…my aunt invited me over to her house, with the excuse she didn’t feel well enough to come over to my cousins. Immediately I rushed out of my cousin’s house and entered my aunts (they live next door to one another) and…wouldn’t you know…there was a man in the parlor wearing his best suit awaiting my arrival.

For the next 45 minutes I got to hear this man talk about his ex-wife, about how he always wanted a daughter, how he was a hard worker but the failing economy rendered him unemployable. He works with technology and is very good at what he does, he says. At which point he takes out his new smart phone and proudly shows it to me. He needs help with this “thing” called Facebook and thought maybe I could help him set it up…but of course, he doesn’t even have an email address (remember…he’s been telling me how great he is with technology). Well…he decided that he would have a friend at the local bar help him set everything up. He then asked if I would chat with him on Facebook…and, if I choose, promise to be faithful to him and over the next few months we could chat on Facebook for a while and then in a couple of months I could go back to Spain, marry him, and take him with me to the U.S.

I don’t even want to start with the whole ludicrousness of the situation. I think it speaks for itself. This man never saw me before that night, and needed someone to support him and I seemed like a good option. All he had to do is marry the old spinster and make her honorable. For my aunt’s sake, I tried to be pleasant on the outside. On the inside, I was thinking…if my aunt knew me in the tiniest bit…she should know that this not the “perfect” match for me. In her mind, it is better for me to be with anyone than to be alone. It’s as if I’m flawed in some way. I was slightly perturbed, although I couldn’t get mad at my aunt or disrespect her.

My cousin was pretty pissed too. Probably more than me. But it started up a conversation that was actually pretty interesting for me.

You see, I might not have that “special relationship” with one person…but I have many “special relationships” with people around the world. I have family in different countries that, for the most part, we all get along great. Especially the cousins, their significant others, and their families. My relationships with my friends are also very strong. I love spending time with them and sharing my life with them. I love to travel, am a little eccentric, don’t like to conform, have a responsible and a little freaky side. I do what I want, when I want.

In one moment, I looked at my cousin and said…if I had a family I’d probably never see them again. Trying to get time off to see my family with work and school schedules would be too difficult a task. Leaving my family for months on end to “figure out what I want out of life” wouldn’t be a possibility either. Forget the vixen stuff, forget skating, forget losing myself in a walk by the beach. I’m too weird. And a relationship that strips me of who I am is not a relationship I choose to have.

Growing old alone…I really don’t think it’s going to happen BUT in case it does…I’m ok with it. I’m going to live the fullest life I can, learn all I can, and take care of me. And when the day comes I can’t take care of myself…I hope I have a nice room with a pretty window at a nice private assisted living facility. Adorning my walls will be pictures of all the places I’ve gone, people I’ve met, you know…my life. I’ll have little index cards with explanations of each picture in case I have forgotten. AND if it is a life well lived, hopefully I’ll have a friend or two visiting me or staying in the next suite. Even in the retirement village, I could see Carol and I giggling as we talk KISS or clothes…and I have no doubt we’d be a couple of trendy old ladies.

And while the above concept would make my aunt really mad at me…it’s my life.

The things I get involved in…sheeeesh!!! It’s enough to make me want to write a book J

But I don't want to say goodbye....

February 22, 2012

I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. And yet, it’s time to go.

How did the time go so quickly? It seems like yesterday I was apprehensive about seeing my family…and now…I absolutely can’t imagine leaving them. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

And this begins the story of my life. A constant shift of beginnings and ends…of see you again real soon…and knowing that soon really isn’t all that soon. That life goes on without me.  And that what I really get is a glimpse into my family…and not a true submersion.

And yet, in the few days I was here I was able to share time with people that I do truly love and care about. I was able to share stories about times gone by, make a few new memories, and hopefully create a tiny shred of a foundation to build a relationship upon.

The hard part is when “real life” happens. When I’m back home, immersed in the routine of daily living…how is it even possible to maintain a relationship thousands of miles away? And this has been and will always be my struggle. My only hope is that this tiny shred of a foundation will withhold a relationship in the future.

I’ve wanted to make some life changes. Well…I guess that’s what this year is about for me. How I make a living and finding out what grounds me is of utmost importance. KISS is a great foundation…but I may have to find something else to ground me. Maybe KISS can be one of the branches…but somehow it can’t be the root.

I guess if this year is going to be fruitful….I better figure out where to plant my root. And, for me, fruitful means being able to share time with the people I care about, wherever they may be. So if I’m to have these branches extend so far…I better have a pretty solid entrenched root or I’m bound to blow away.

So in the next few hours…I have to say goodbye to my family and board a train back to Madrid. Onto the next life adventure…the next experience. I just really don’t want to go. Not yet. Definitely not yet.

My friends know I get sentimental and emotional about people that have touched my life. It is something I try to control…but really I can’t. I can’t control the gratefulness I feel for my cousins kids who switched bedrooms and made so much space for me. Or for my cousins entire family of four to share one bathroom so that they could offer me my very own bathroom.  Or how they shared their time, friends, stories…well, everything…with me. And when I think about how much they wanted me to be happy, well how can I be anything less that grateful to my whole family? How do I not get emotional over these things? It’s not possible.

To care about someone or something so much that you cry when you have to say goodbye…that’s a good thing (at least for me).

Hesitantly onto the next adventure….

Reflections of my time in El Algar

February 20, 2012

I spend little time in my life wanting. I don't know if this is good or bad...it's just if I want something I usually put a plan in action and start "doing" rather than spend time sitting around "wanting".

And while I think this is a good quality...I miss the wanting. The anticipation. Sometimes I'm so quick to act...that I forget about the process...and I ESPECIALLY forget to just enjoy the moment that I get what I want. By the time I'm "doing"...I'm planning the next thing.

This trip has been great. Spending time with my aunt and cousin...and his incredible family...has been fabulous. I've slept in, played "Call of Duty" and "Sims", taken long walks and hikes, and have fallen in love with my family. I've yet to convince them KISS is the hottest band in the world...but we've found other common interests to bond us.

Some things I want to take with me.

Now that I have sufficiently messed up my internal clock...I'm ready to enjoy sleeping in again. This days of waking up at 6am on the weekends are over. I want to be able to enjoy a leisurely Saturday or Sunday in bed and not worry about what needs to be done. Whatever needs to be done will be done later.

I want to eat in more. I've really been enjoying all the homemade meals. Whether simple or elaborate, preparing your own meals and enjoying them in your home...well, I need to do this far more often. I have a beautiful home with a nice kitchen...I need to use it more. And, probably have more people over to share a meal with.

I really want to spend less time doing...less time driving, less time stressed...and appreciate more of the immediate moments in my life.

What I've also realized is I do want to spend more time with my family...parents, as well as the family I am blessed to have in both Argentina and Spain. I'm going to simplify things a bit more back home to allow more time for travel. I have an amazing family and a good relationship with everyone, I'd really like to share more life moments with them.

And...my friends...my friends back home are very much like my family. I am very grateful to have people that I care about to share my life with. I want to spend more time with my friends.

In my last 48 hours here I will have some alone time with the kids (which is so much fun), go dancing with my cousin, and share a little bit of me with those that I will be saying goodbye to. As always, I wish I could clone myself and leave a part of me behind...but unfortunately that's not a possibility.

Later this week...it's back in Madrid for a day and a half and then off to Miami...for another adventure.

KISSes

What Valentines day means to me...

February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day...a day of flowers, candy, diamonds, great sex, eternal love and devotion...OK...probably not.

Luckily I have somewhat escaped this holiday for the last couple years by either being on a cruise or away from the country. Unfortunately...I can be away from the U.S. but I can't escape the pink valentine's day explosion, heart shaped cakes at the bakery, and the constant sales pitch that...if I truly love someone...I need to spend money to buy stuff to "show" the people I love I care about them. Look, if I don't buy Christmas gifts...you probably don't have much hope I'll buy you a Valentine's gift.

But, if I see something I think you might like on February 18th...I will buy it for you. Not because I have to, but because I want to. Because I think you might like it. And THAT to me is so much better than getting anyone a gift because of a predetermined day.

So...I know what I don't like about this day. But there are also things I truly do appreciate...and I want to spend some time focusing on that.

Love. Such a strange emotion. It comes from nowhere, takes a hold of you, makes you act stupid and silly, and at times causes massive pain and sadness...and yet, I believe it's worth the pain. Yes, I'm actually saying this.

It's not just that passionate love between a couple...you know, the one where just the mere thought of the other brings a smile to your heart. But it's the love between a parent and a child, between friends, and even the special love people feel for their animal companions.

The greatest Valentine's gift I was given was to bear witness of a love between a parent and their child.

I am staying in an incredible small town near the Mediterranean. There is very little to do. The cafe's do not have wifi (or nonfat milk), stores are closed during the day, people take naps. It takes me 20 minutes to walk thru the whole town. Life here is very simple.

So on this day, I went with my cousin to pick up her daughter at school. As I arrived I saw hundreds of cars parked. Nobody was sitting in their cars. All the mothers and fathers were standing outside the school prepared to pick up their child. When each child came out, they ran to their parents who greated them with a hug and a kiss...and sometimes a jacket. Then they would run to their car together.

Each child left school and immediately was greeted by a person that loved them. Nobody walked home alone.

I can't tell you how this affected me...but it did. Greatly. To me, this act of unselfish behavior on behalf of the parents (which is practiced EVERY day here) was such a sign of love.

So...on this Valentine's day...I say this. The greatest sign of love is knowing that someone is there to give you a hug, a kiss, and to make sure you're warm. It's so much better than any gift you could buy in a store.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

Fear and apprehension in Madrid

February 13, 2012

I have a weird life. My "family" consists of my parents. I have no siblings so it's basically the three of us. And, while they love me and somewhat understand me, I always long for my extended family.

So, here I am, preparing to board a train that will take me to visit my cousin, his family, and my aunt in Spain.

And reality is setting in. We have such different lives. Between language (although I am generally proficient in Spanish...I don't always have the vocabulary to express myself properly) and lifestyle...I'm actually wondering if this was a good idea. Trying to form relationships like this is hard.

The hardest part is sometimes I feel as if I'm the one that's always trying. I do wonder if having a relationship is something we both want...or if it's just me.

I'm sure these feelings will go away when I am reunited with my family...but I have to be honest about how I feel today. Building relationships is scary.

But sometimes the scariest things become the things that, moving forward, I'll be most proud of.

Here goes whatever...

Lessons, more lessons, and tea (Part 3)

February 12, 2012

OK...no more sangria. Have to try to get ready for bed. It's 11:30PM and I would love to get my body onto Madrid time. This will be the night....I hope.

So today started much like yesterday...I got ready and took the metro into town. I found new streets to walk, new buildings to see, more Starbucks to frequent.

Wandering the streets, and getting lost, was really the best part of the day. Lost in the city, lost in my imagination. Falling in love with life a little bit more.

The one thing I experienced today (and yesterday) is how different men are here. They still pursue women. They'll smile, flirt, and even will be forward. Things are so weird in the states. Somewhere along the line, men forgot to "show their feathers" and women forgot to appreciate the men for actually being men. The old art of mating, of flirting...is alive and well in the streets of Madrid. And I must admit, it was really nice to see. It makes me wonder what happened back home...are all the women really that crazy?? Are the men just inundated with sexual images that "real" women hold little appeal?? And will this trend continue?? I wonder. It was just really nice to see a city of men still being men.

In the last few days...in the midst of wandering these great cities...I remembered stories of young women who would say things to me like they would rather die than be 30 and unmarried without kids. Well...good thing I never thought like that. I would have made some choices that might have made other people, as well as me, unhappy. Finding the right person (not any person) is so important. Unless someone had the same sense of adventure...life would have been a series of many compromises that wouldn't have allowed either party to be all that they could have been independently.

There are so many topics for stories that I can find in this great city...

Somehow, after watching lots of people wearing really edgy unique fashions...I found myself back in Corte Ingles and in a moment of temporary insanity...found myself shopping...and shopping...and shopping. 2 long beautiful coats, a hoodie, star scarf, and black mini skirt later...I'm done. Please G*d, I'm done (yes, I found religion again).

So that was it. February 12, 2012 in Madrid, Spain. A beautiful day in a wondrous city. Tomorrow I head to Cartagena (a beach city filled with many architectural ruins) and to see my family.

The thing I've missed is Facebook, texting, and calling my friends. I miss the people back home. I miss my dog. I miss my parents. But...it's a good thing to take a bit of a break from my social media addiction and to actually spend some time doing other things.

So...in this hotel lobby I say goodnight.

Onto the next adventure....