Taking time off to live...

February 8, 2012

Tomorrow I leave for a little vacation. I'm off to see family and friends...as well as fill my life with some new experiences. I'm working on my final preparations...and am trying to have very general plans about what I might want to do over the next 3 weeks.

I know what I HAVE to do over the next three weeks (which scares me immensely)...I need to stop texting and Facebooking....or at least limit myself to an hour at the most of this activity per day.

I'm one of those annoying people that you go to dinner with who is always on their phone. It's absolutely obnoxious and shows such disrespect to the people I'm sharing my time with. And, even knowing this, I can't stop. It's an addiction. I wouldn't call it a bad addiction...as it has enhanced my life in countless ways...but it's gone past the point of enhancing my life and might even be detracting from living my dreams.

While wondering whether to bring my iPad or laptop...and cracking my old iPhone 3 so that I could use it when I travelled...somewhere along the line I realized I'm crazy. I'm going to museums, to study some of my favorite artists, and mainly to have new experiences. The last time I did something like this...Facebook didn't exist. I didn't have a phone. I would go to a cafe every day and journal on postcards to my parents...so I would have the experience of retelling my experiences...and make my folks happy at the same time. I liked that I did that. It meant something.

I don't want to worry if I can charge the phone and computer, while blow drying my hair without blowing a circuit.

So...

The computer and phone are coming with me...but they will be off most of the time. I will try to blog every day...but I'm not keeping myself to that. In fact, if I don't blog it might be that I'm too busy experiencing things that I can write about later.

I won't be poking people on Facebook. I won't be calling my friends and family. I won't be texting. And I won't be on Facebook very often during my time away. I will miss the experience of doing all of those things...but this is something that I truly have to do. I have to know that I am stronger than a social networking program.

To my friends and family...know that I am missing you and wishing you were with me. Hope you have a great 3 weeks and that when I get back...we have lots of stories to share.

Love and KISSes...

Love, loss and pain...

February 7, 2012

I'm writing this today because I know I'm going to forget this.

I was talking to my hairdresser earlier about how much things have changed in the last 18 months. Good changes, bad changes, but a lot of changes. You know, life.

This got me thinking about the changes that have been the hardest to deal with. Those of the loss of something or someone I really cared about. At the time of any loss...expected or unexpected...there is some level of pain and discomfort. In those moments...I felt like my life was over. A minute took an hour. A day took a year. Funny...in the worst of times...time passes so slowly. In everyday life...time is a blur.

But in reality...my life was not over. Just changed by the experience of knowing someone, caring about them, and feeling the loss of losing them.

What I want to remember from today...is that when a loss occurs my life is continuing. It will be different..but it's up to me to make it a good life. I should not let the pain consume me, cause me stress, and minimize the potential my life can be.

Everything has a beginning, a middle and an ending. Every person, every relationship, every job...everything ends. Most of the time, things do not end on our terms. And...I think it's best this way. The shock of an ending is devastating...but knowing everything will end should add some comfort. The pain is a natural part of life.

I write this today because, like I said, I am sure to forget this point. There are quite a few people that I care deeply for that would cause me much pain if I lost. However...knowing that I was able to care for someone so much that the pain of losing them would be excruciating is a blessing more than a curse. How wonderful is it to say you loved someone that much?

May everyone spend time enjoying your beginnings and your middles...and try to move past your ends quickly.

Wisdom

February 6, 2012

So I've lived with myself for 41 years. And in looking back on the last 41 years, there's a few things I like, a few things I have to accept that I might not like, and a few things I have the capacity to change.

The serenity prayer...the one that goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"...well, even as a seeker I can't argue with that prayer. And, for me, attaining wisdom is the hardest part.

I've spent a big part of my lifetime thus far trying to change things that were outside of my control.

I remember a time (a long time ago) when I dated someone who was an alcoholic. I didn't really know at that time what an alcoholic was. I thought people could stop drinking when they wanted to. I really didn't understand what addiction was. In speaking with a counselor at a sober living home he ended up in after a couple DUI's...I kept talking about my ex's "problem" and how I could make life better for him and I could change him and provide him a suitable environment to be sober. Problem was...my ex didn't think he had a problem. So really, the only person who had a drinking problem was me.At that time, I learned I couldn't change his life but I could change my participation in it.

That was a great lesson...but one that many people (especially women) seem to forget constantly. We can't make life better for other adults...young children, yes...but not grown up people. And yet we still have the idea that we can change circumstances beyond our control. Even with my many life experiences...I still forget this lesson.

This is where I need wisdom.

Somehow I need to figure out those things I have control of...and let go of the rest. As an "interested" and "aware" person in society...I need to really focus on creating a positive world for myself and hope that what I do will impact others in a positive way.

Wisdom...that's what I'll try to focus on as I go thru my days.

I wonder how poor Atlas feels carrying the world on his shoulders? Well, better Atlas than me :-)

The First Step of the Cure Is A...KISS

February 4, 2012...

I'm shy.

Beyond shy.

Painfully, horribly, heart pounding shy around new people.

I used to drive around the block if I saw any of my neighbors, for fear they might want to talk to me. I was so afraid they weren't going to like me, that I would say something stupid, or that I would immediately give off that "loser" vibe.

In my defense...it was a learned response. Kids made fun of me growing up. I was desperately trying to fit in and never felt like I found "my" place. Being judged for speaking Spanish or eating "weird" foods. I used to throw wonderful gourmet lunches in the trash so people wouldn't see me eating the foods my mom prepared me and tease me.

I'd like to say it got better when I grew up...but it didn't. I was destined to be an outsider. First day at Loyola Marymount University I was talking to a girl (all happy to make a new friend) and walked into the fountain in front of Foley Hall. My white shirt and pretty brown skirt drenched. Humiliated...I left my weekend orientation and wouldn't leave my apartment...determined to never go back to uni.

College was almost like high school to me. Yes, I made some great friends...but I never really "fit in". I was more concerned with working (which was also the case in high school) so I tried to not let it bother me. I tried out for the business fraternity and a sorority...and was not invited to join. So basically...I felt totally unwanted.

Work was always a refuge...and a place I could shine. There I was able to make friends, talk to people, and be social without being fearful.

Work brought me one of my closest friends...Carol. She was one of those people that I bonded with almost immediately (even though I was apprehensive about her at first)...and Carol introduced me to the one thing that would help more than anything else to cure me of my shyness...

KISS

After a few shows...I came up with the idea of Carol and I wearing costumes. Carol was all for it. The first time we wore them...it was life altering for both of us. People came up to us. They wanted to talk to us. They wanted to take pictures with us. The fact that other people were interested in getting to know us and what we were about allowed both of us to get over our shyness almost immediately.

KISS changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. But I still believe that the best thing KISS ever did for me is allow me to finally feel worthy and proud. Maybe it shouldn't have taken a costume to get noticed...maybe my other works should have spoken for themselves. But now I have the courage to do so much more that I could have ever aspired to.

Caterpillars envelope themselves in a cocoon to get to the point where they can transform into a butterfly. It took me a costume and some KISS Konfetti to get to be the woman I am today.

So...for me...the first step of the cure was a KISS. 

Marina Del Rey

February 3, 2012

It's late. Way too late to be writing...but a promise to do something is a promise...so here I am.

Marina Del Rey, CA

How is it possible to love a city so much?

I moved here in college. Loyola Marymount University was such an amazing place for me. It was here I feel I grew up. During the college years, I never appreciated my city. I wanted to move back to the San Fernando Valley, where my parents and friends resided.

But...over time...things changed. I got a job out of college in Marina Del Rey. For years...I still didn't appreciate where I lived. All I knew was I was working, going to school at night, dating or in a relationship and at the end of the night I would drive into my garage and go to bed. For years...I never saw the beach (even though it was 2 blocks away).

Fast forward 20 years. A lot of things have changed. I take long walks on the beach...I sit outside...I enjoy the weather. I don't drive when I'm in the Marina unless I absolutely have to. I finally learned to truly appreciate what I have.

The lesson that took me 20 years to learn is soon going to be put to the test.

As I have chosen a life of writing, traveling, and charity...well, my touchstone in the Marina will end soon. After half a lifetime...I'm going to say goodbye to the one place that felt like home. It breaks my heart to do this...but if I want to change my life, I'm going to have to make changes. I know I won't like all of the changes I have to make...but I'm doing this to allow new opportunities to come in place of the old.

My hope for tomorrow is that I learn to appreciate whatever comes my way...and that I enjoy every moment. What I hope to have learned is to never be so busy that all I do at the end of the day is drive into the garage...oblivious of the world around me.

May anyone who is reading this blog take the opportunity to appreciate all you have.

Labels

February 2, 2012


"You're single, but not available".


This phrase was used to describe me. Me. What the hell does that statement even mean?? 


So in trying to find a new direction for the future...I guess I need to address the aforementioned statement.


My original thought was, maybe I'm single but not available to you. Is that the truth? What is my truth? And I also realized...I sure better be the one to label myself...if not, there is no shortage of people in this world that will gladly place a label on me. 


So what is my label?


Well...single. Yes. I'm single. Not married. Nope, never been married...or divorced for that matter. So I'm single. 


There is nothing wrong with being single. You can be single (unmarried) and in a committed relationship. 


I find it interesting when people say that they were "married" but now they are "divorced". Wasn't marriage "in sickness and in health...for richer and poorer...til death do you part"? So, if you both are still alive shouldn't you still be married?  


Why get married in the first place if you're only willing to be there for good times, for richer, or til whenever you're just not happy anymore? If that's the case...why get religious organizations, the government, and attorneys involved in your love life? Sorry...I just don't get it.


So single. I was single. I am single. I'll take that.


Unavailable? That's the confusing verb for me. Unavailable for what? Let me define that. Unavailable for anyone that will keep me from growing into the person I want to be. Yes, I'm unavailable for that. Unavailable to try to "fix" someone else's current situation and be a savior. Yes, I guess I'm unavailable for that too (although I do believe that I am a very charitable and caring person). Unavailable to hurt someone else...if I know eventually I will. Yes, I'm unavailable for that too. So...there is some truth to the unavailable thing. I just don't like the negativity of that word.


SO...


What am I available for?


Well...I'm definitely available to share my life. My friends should know this. I'll be there for them in good times, bad times, rich times, lean times...til death do us part. Not everyone becomes my friend...but to those who are...they know I am always available to them. 

Am I available to a "significant other"? Of course I am. But I'm not going to pick someone because I'm lonely, because they're "there", because of my age, or to better fit into society. I won't do that.  I can't do that. If I try to do that I will fail miserably. I will be available to a person I admire, trust, respect, cherish, and lust...nothing less.


I am Arlene...and I am going into this year single and available to see what happens. This will be my label. I like it. It's a little wordy but fits me well.

February 1, 2012

What a GREAT day. Seriously...a great day.

You ever have one of those. Where things just click. Where the answers just come. Where the last 40 years start to make sense (well...that might be stretching it a tad).

So...by the afternoon I figured out my "project" for the year. The one thing I want to do this year. Once I figured that out...the other answers just came.

1) I'm going to start the writing program at UCLA. Not for a degree...just take the classes I need to help me with my undertaking.

2) I'm going to travel this year to get some of the data I need for my project.

3) Inspire people somehow. Even if it is starting and finishing the project. No matter what happens...whether the project is a success or not...I want to inspire by the attempt.

4) Learn the lessons quicker.

5) Make the special people in my life proud. My family, friends, and significant others who taught me so much about music, charity, storytelling, compassion, integrity...I want them reflective in my work.

6) Spend more time with the people that inspire me. Whether it is teachers, entrepreneurs, storytellers, visionaries...these are the people I want to spend more time with. Hopefully my project brings me closer to them.

This is what I am going to do. More details on what "the project" is later.

So...by 7PM all I can say is that I am on my way.

8 more days to finalize some loose ends...a little time away to see family and friends...and come back to my new life.

I have a direction. I'm ready.